The Necessity of HeartBreak

The Necessity of HeartBreak

"I learned that it is okay to feel too much. It proves that you are living."

Let’s face it, before we suffer our first true, heart-wrenching, gut crushing, back-stabbing heart-break we are living in la la land, flying with the fairies, and drinking little pink fruit juices with those island umbrellas, while getting foot massages from the Easter Bunny. So basically, were twelve or otherwise extremely naïve.

I am not going to go into details of my heartbreak due to the privacy of my life but let’s just say it didn’t just happen once. Over the span of two years, I personally volunteered my heart to be broken every single day, like it was some fucking game of tug of war with my feelings. How is it that this is possible, you ask? Well, I don’t really have an answer to that, maybe I’m just dumb. Or, it may be that I just feel things with a greater intensity than the average person, mixed with I was extremely naïve and put myself into these situations even though I was aware of the consequences, but either way, it happened, and I am not the same person because of it.

I was shattered, broken, crushed, devastated think of as many words as you want, I was all of them. I had no idea who I was anymore or what my life was to become. A huge piece of myself was missing and I didn’t know how I could fill such a hole. A hole that was not only in my heart, but stolen from every organ of my body. My entire idea of love had been trampled on and drowned in a big pile of shit. I had no idea how someone could recover from that.

It took me months. Months of laying in my bed wondering where I went wrong, months of weighing all the signs leading me to this point, months of wishing I could sleep all day to not have to deal with the pain, but also being afraid of the dreams that would haunt me every time I closed my eyes.

I transformed the pain I held inside to unhealthy actions toward my body, which led to depression, which then led to rehab. After being released, I tried to look at it as a fresh start but wound up falling back on old habits aka old loves. Obviously, this was not good for me and clearly it did not work. I guess I didn’t learn my lesson the first two hundred times but this last time really did make all the difference.

It’s amazing how much words really do impact us. “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” is fucking bullshit and we all know it, even the people that invented that saying. They were just trying to make themselves feel better. Words kill, but words can also have the power to heal. It’s up to you on how you swallow them.

Well, I allowed these words to crush me, but at the same time they also helped me realize things I never believed about myself. Everyone likes to say that they deserve more, but how many people actually believe it? Be honest. We’ve all said it, and then immediately continued to do whatever it is we were doing prior to that statement. I was one of those people. I was one of those people for the past two years. I am not anymore.

Although those words hurt, they also woke me up. They so incredibly and unbelievably contradicted who I was as a person, that I realized, this person, this same person that I cried over for two whole years of my life, actually knew nothing about me or what I stood for as an individual. Yes maybe, he knew my favorite color and favorite song, but did he really know anything deeper than that?

It was exactly what I needed, a slap in the face to wake myself the fuck up. Don’t get me wrong, I did not feel instantly better like a flip of a switch, but it was where I began to rediscover my priorities. I did some intense self-observations of qualities that made me who I was. I began focusing on what made me happy rather than what made him happy. My thoughts slowly but surely shifted from a focus on him to a focus on me. For the first time in my life, I began to love myself. Not in a narcissistic or conceited way, but rather an appreciation of my individualism. I became a stronger person out of it. I learned to stand up for myself, to respect my mind, body, and soul, and not let others push me around. I learned to love my body for exactly what it was, and not an image that was expected of me. I dared to delve into the deepest parts of my soul. I came face to face with my fears, I confronted my guilts and accepted my regrets. I became the person I knew I was, a beauty that goes beyond what the eyes can see.

Without this broken heart, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I transformed my intensity into strength. I learned that it is okay to feel too much. It proves that you are living. At one point I didn’t think it was possible to ever expose my heart to that sort of suffering again but I am optimistic about the future. I now know what I want for in life and I recognize my value and won’t take shit from anybody. I am thankful for every single second of heartache that I went through. I wouldn’t be where I am without it.

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.


So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?



Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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5 Reasons Why I Don't Want Kids

Procreating. It's not for everyone.


My cousin had a baby last August. She's absolutely beautiful and I love her to death, but she doesn't change my mind when it comes to wanting kids when I'm older. Truth is, I don't want kids. I'm sure everyone says this at some point in their life, and maybe I will change my mind in the future, but kids kind of freak me out.

Maybe I'm just not the most maternal person, but here's why having kids, at least for now, isn't on my bucket list.

1. Giving birth.

I know, I know, it's a beautiful thing, the miracle of life or whatever, but go watch a birthing video and then come tell me how beautiful it really is. Everything from a woman's water breaking, to actually giving birth just grosses me out, to be honest.

The thought of having to push something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon is just absolutely terrifying. I have a pretty average to above average pain tolerance, but no matter how well you can deal with pain, that shit is obviously not a pleasant experience.

2. The responsibility.

You have to do everything for babies, literally everything. Feed it, dress it, wash it, change it, put it to sleep, and you have to know what a baby wants when it wants it. If I had a baby and it started to cry, I would have no idea what to do. I know plenty of people say that once you have the baby, you automatically know which type of crying is for what need, but that makes no sense to me.

Do babies have different types of cries? How do you know which is which?

I consider myself a pretty responsible person when it comes time to be accountable for myself, but to be accountable for another life form?

I'll put it this way. I have two pet turtles. We got them when I was about twelve or so years old, and I remember being obsessed with them. That lasted for like maybe two weeks, and then I got bored with them, which meant I didn't take care of them. My parents did. Not the best analogy for obvious reasons, but I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. In other words, if I can barely take care of a pet, how would I ever be able to take care of a small human?

3. Kids are messy and loud.

Look, I'm not like a total clean freak or anything like that, but my mother definitely is. She used to disinfect sticks so my sister and I could roast marshmallows when we went camping for Girl Scouts. My point is, it's been drilled into my brain that everything has to be wiped down clean, and germs are not my friends.

I hate being around sick people; they freak me out, especially since I get sick so easily. If my baby or child were to get sick, I'd obviously still have to take care of it, which means wiping snot, cleaning vomit, and getting coughed on. I guarantee you, as soon as my child were to get better, I'd get sick.

Don't even get me started on changing dirty diapers.

Also, if there's anything I've learned from my cousin's baby thus far, it's that babies put everything in their mouths. Any object on the ground, their hands, and feet; nothing is safe. Babies don't understand sanitation, so it's not their fault, but I just know that if I had a kid, it would be in a plastic bubble so it could remain as clean as possible.

Babies are also very loud. Back when I worked at a diner, we used to have customers with little kids and babies all the time. If the kid was unhappy for any reason, that child would scream its head off. I never understood how such a big noise could come from such a small human.

4. Kids are expensive AF.

Kids are not cheap. They have an entire laundry list of stuff that needs to be bought for them, and they run out of supplies frequently. I can't imagine how much money people spend on things like diapers, formula, and clothes. Speaking of clothes, babies grow out things quickly. You get one or two good uses of an outfit and that's it. They outgrow it, and they can no longer use it.

Then, as they get older, you've got to think about school, eventually college, and extracurricular activities that they want to do, gifts for Christmas and other holidays. I say all of this, realizing how much my own parents have spent on me and my siblings (thanks, Mom and Dad).

5. Raising kids looks hard.

Knowing how much my sisters and I were pains in the asses for my parents, I can't imagine having to deal with that crap myself. The whole idea of shaping a child into a fully functioning member of society with good morals and conscience sounds like a lot of work.

There have been so many times where I would be at work and I'd have to deal with customers that have their kids with them, and these children are the biggest brats I've ever seen. Rude, disrespectful, obnoxious or disruptive; just the opposite of how kids should act in any public setting.

A big part of the reason I wouldn't want kids is that I see other people's kids and the way they act. It makes me just want to yell at the parents. At least I know that if I do ever decide to have kids, they'll be raised the way I want them to be and they'll behave the way they're supposed to. Appropriately.

In the big picture of things, whether or not you want kids is up to you. It's not meant for everyone and that's not the end of the world. I always get told that I don't mean it when I say I don't want kids, which isn't that big of a deal, but it can get annoying. In my opinion, if a person says they don't want kids, it's not because they think kids are like some evil being or anything like that. It's because they know their limits.

Growing a family is an amazing thing, but it's also different for everyone. No one should be judged for not liking or wanting to have kids. Everyone has different opinions. This one is just mine.


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