The Loneliness Diaries: Day 2

I have this thing where people tell me that they love me and then they are nowhere to be found when I need them. I also have this thing where I am a huge fan of having someone around, even if we aren't talking, but I don't reach out when I need it. The two things go hand in hand. I have no doubt in my mind that the people who tell me that they love me, who tell me that I am important to them, who fill the role of friend in my life, would show up for me if I told them that I needed them. But loneliness is a self-perpetuating cycle.

I find myself feeling sad, so I lay in bed. I don't shower, so I don't want anyone to see me. I feel lonely and needy, but I don't want to inconvenience anyone, so I don't say that I need some company. Just a warm body to lay next to me and watch Netflix would be nice, but I hug my pillow instead. I miss out on sunny days and beautiful weather because I want to go for a hike alone, but I don't want to be that weird person who hikes alone while tears roll down her cheeks.

I get overly absorbed in a TV show and I start overly connecting to a character or two. I convince myself that I am the broken girl who winds up taking her life. Maybe I decide that my path is to go back to college to become a brain surgeon or that I was actually meant to be a cop. Sometimes, I decide that all I need to do is go to the gym tomorrow and then I will actually be as badass as Alice, hunting zombies forever.

I am convinced before noon that I have already wasted the day. I have already lost the opportunity to go outside and find something to do that makes me happy and that gets me out of my head. I am convinced that if I text someone and say, "Can we hang out?" then they just won't respond. I am convinced that the only person who really loves me lives 4 hours away and has her own life and problems. I am a burden in my own mind.

No one loves me. No one cares about me. I am alone. I am staying alone. I have no one but myself. I do have my pillow. My pillow never lets me down. Oh wait, the seam burst on my pillow and I can't sew. That sucks. Now what I am going to do? I can't cry because I am not really sure what I am crying about. I can't be angry because I pretty much have no one to be angry with except myself.

I can tell myself over and over that my thoughts are inaccurate. I am loved. I am valued. People care about me. There are good things waiting for me on the other side of today. There is more than Netfllix and crushing loneliness. Tomorrow will be different. Next week will be better. I know these things to be true because I have lived them. I have lived in the sunshine and in the warmth and love of my friends. But today it doesn't matter. Today I feel lonely and isolated. Today just needs to end.

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