The Identity Lost & Found
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The Identity Lost & Found

Can you lose yourself even after you think you've found that person?

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The Identity Lost & Found
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Finders keepers, losers weepers. Right? Well what do you do if you're the claimant as well as the one who absentmindedly let something of value out of their sight? You can try to get it back, but what if it's a bright yellow rubber rain boot that doesn't fit right anymore, it's not your style, or it's no longer needed in your current circumstance? You could stick with it because of how badly you wanted it at one point, or you could grab a strangers brand name designer jacket that is much more appealing in this moment. It was never yours, but maybe it could be. You can picture yourself wearing it down the street, being envied by friends and complemented by family. But is it really you? Or is it an idea that you like? How long will you keep track of it before I gets left on a restaurant seat, disappears forever.

This is how I feel about my ever-revolving identities. This has nothing to do with mental disorders, but if you've made it this far into the article, you might in some way relate to this metaphorical comparison of constantly finding a new look or style. At the moment for me, I can't seem to stick to a career path. This is a struggle many face, often in high school when you're applying to colleges, or when you're a freshman in college and your counselor is pushing you to declare a major so you can begin working on it. Well, I'm about to be a junior at my university, and after working on a Communication major credits for two years (including a semester abroad SOLEY focused on this major) I have lost sight of why I chose to make it my career path.

While on that abroad trip I became the happiest I had been since I was a child and didn't know any better BUT to be happy all of the time. My mind was clear, my path was straight and my focus was on the end goal that seemed to close I could almost reach out and touch it. I arrived back in the U.S. feeling secure in my life and passions, even starting up multiple side projects that supported my goals.

However, as many of you know, the whole world got turned upside down back in March when the Corona Virus became a global threat. The European city in which I had lived for a semester became riddled the virus, and consequentially with sadness so deep I could feel it from oceans away. Next it hit our country, where our already divided political system became a chasm so wide and deep, that many seemed to lose touch of the fact that their actions cost real human lives. With plenty of chaos in between, all of this led the people who are supposed to protect us, to mercilessly dispose of Black Lives even in a time where we needed most to be united. So change kept coming, some of it SO good for our society--having our eyes opened to the racial discrimination that still plagues this country. And some of it drove a wedge in everyones timelines--COVID-19.

And while navigating all of this, I realized how much I didn't know what to do with my life. How can I find a career that will allow me to write and be creative, to use my privilege to protect those who need it, to save the sick and dying, to continue traveling and educating myself on the countless cultures around the world, and still make money while I'm at it. So like everyones expectations for the spring and summer months of 2020, my plan for life dissolved as quickly as it had materialized.

I don't know how people can chose a life to lead when everything around us is falling apart and slowly coming back together so often. When every new personality that I idealize is formulated based on the current events around me, the never ending flow of social media comparison, the show that I'm currently binge watching, or the new book that I am invested in. The plan that I had seen right in front of me before, is miles and miles away. How can I tell if it is still what I want, or if that was all a sham self discovery? Will I always be wandering, and wondering about the possibilities that I never had time to pursue? College moves so quickly and life speeds by. Time and money is invested into using these years wisely to stay on track with the conveyor belt that I have picked. If I decided to get off and re-evaluate for even a minute I'll fall behind, or worse, I'll have to start over.

So here I stand, frozen, staring at a yellow boot and a pretty coat in the bottom of a cluttered lost and found box. Trying to figure out if its raining or if I'm cold. Which one do I want more? If I pick the jacket, i'll be walking barefoot in puddles for the rest of the day, and if I choose the boots i'll have to cope with shivering in the breeze. One of them will make me a fraud, one could make me feel stuck in a life I only wanted once. How could I let myself find an identity--find myself, and then so carelessly lose it? Time is ticking and I don't know if i'll ever be able to decide.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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