Today, with zero interruptions, I bring to you my magnum opus of male flings, dings, and dongs.
A fruitful collage of all the frightful men I dated in college. It only took me five years to recoup my dignity back after this wild brood. But I did it all for the fun of it. Can you think of a much better reason than that?
Let's get to it, shall we?
1. Bear Grylls Devotee
*An actual photo of me camping out with B.G.
A key highlight of my dating profiles used to be that I enjoyed the outdoors. But it didn't take long for me to figure out that anyone who references the natural world as "THE Outdoors" is just living life at a difference pace than the rest of us.
I only had a brief tryst with the Latin Bear Grylls, for a couple reasons. My disappointing upper body strength left much to be desired in the rock climbing world. Not to mention, I didn't own not one pair of Chacos (that's been fixed now). It was doomed from the very start. It's all P.L.U.R. though (B.G. taught me that one).
2. Woke William
It would be strange not to come across a freakishly liberal guy on any college campus, but this guy is an actual donkey of the day.
I tend to dabble in a political podcast here or there, which clearly gives me the same merits as any SJW on my Facebook newsfeed. But LITTLE DID I KNOW, I have been waiting my whole life for a 20-something white male to tell lil 'ol me all about that black experience in America. Nice try, Willy, maybe you didn't realize I woke up like this.
3. Old School (PhD)
I love to learn through the life experiences of others: moonlit conversations on the porch, heady emails about past lives, cloudy discussions about the future. These were all my experiences dating, or should I say vicariously living through, an older man.
IMHO, older men bring something to the table that the average 23 year hasn't even lived yet. They can teach you the good, bad, and ugly about dating and life in general.
What I detest is that women over 28 instantly become colored as jaded and damaged goods in the dating pool. Meanwhile, every one talks about older men like their favorite pair of jeans: thoroughly lived-in, comfortable, soft...
Try distressed. I've been there girl, buyer beware.
4. *Aspiring* Personal Trainer
This one taught me to immediately swipe left on anyone who uses healthy lifestyle buzzwords in their dating profile.
After staying up late nights to talk about how to grow his business and showing up to every insufferable Piedmont Park workout, I have never felt more self-conscious in all of my dating experience.
No doubt, it was awesome to have a free personal trainer, but this man was nothing short of a serial philanderer and narcissist. I'm not saying all PTs are self-centered, but....
5. Crazy in Love
When you date a guy who makes you the center of their universe, you set unhealthy boundaries and expectations for any relationship in the future. I know more than a few women, including myself, who began relationships like this during high school then struggled to end them in college.
Even though you are in a seemingly perfect relationship, you are the property of a man who has created a life defined by your relationship. This dynamic makes these relationships feel inescapable. Honestly, I was lucky to make it out of this one alive.
6. Band Practice
Full disclosure - I may or may not be in the midst of this romantic escapade. One of my favorite quotes is about loving an artist, and with my affinity for melodrama, there was really no avoiding this one:
If an artist falls in love with you, you can never die.
I have a strong sense that any and all special occasions will be celebrated with guitar-playing and hand-crafted Spotify playlists. I am also fairly confident many foreseeable disappointments will be exclusively attributed to, well, band practice. And seeing that I am instrumentally inept, any and all romantic gestures may fall on (tone) deaf ears.
Will report back later on this one, guise.
