Since coming to college, I've been told fairly frequently that this is the place to 'find yourself,' and explore who you are and who you want to be. After being here for over a year, I'm still not sure I've found my place, and I know I certainly haven't found my voice. Keeping in line with the nervousness I encountered my freshman year, I still found myself unable to reach out, and truly get involved.
Oftentimes, it seemed like I was the only one of my friends who wasn't having the time of their life in college. While I understood that my classes were more difficult and involved than most, I figured I should be able to come up with some kind of balancing act- and figure out how to socialize. Instead, I threw myself into school, and somewhere along the way, I think I forgot that I should have some time for myself.
In high school, I was extremely involved, and knew (or at least thought I knew) who I was. Yet in college, I was barely involved, and was questioning the idea of identity every single day. I knew what I wanted to do in the future, but I was unsure of WHO I wanted to be- and unsure of what my future may hold.
As of right now, I see myself as a lost 19 year old in a sea of 35,000. Walking to class, and sitting in lecture- I blend in to the crowd. There's nothing outstanding about me- I'm the poster child of the average female student.
I haven't yet found my voice to make me stand out.
I've been searching for the words to say, and how to say them, in order to define who I am, but I realized that before I could make such a great proclamation, I'd have to be brave enough to find my voice first. I'm pretty passive, if something bothers me, I don't really make it known, unless I either know the person really well, or feel really strongly.
For a long time, I've felt like I'm the only person who is experiencing this. However, I realized that with how many people are in college, it would be statistically improbable for me to be alone in this feeling. Maybe no one will even read this article, and maybe no one will read it that feels the same. But I'm going to try to use my voice for once, and I'm going to try to tell you, that if you feel lost, and incapable of saying anything: you're not alone.
