If you've ever been in inpatient care or knew someone that was in inpatient, you know that it is far from easy. It takes so much to cary yourself in there and get the help you need. I have been wanting to talk about this for a while, but never felt very comfortable talking about it.

My first inpatient care facility was River Bend Hospital in Lafayette, IN while I was a student at Purdue University. Now, I'll admit that I really didn't have a choice to go or not. When I was in the ER recovering from my suicide attempt they asked me if I would be willing to go which I agreed to. After thinking about it for a while and talking to my family on the phone, I got very fearful of what the experience would hold and I remember asking the doctor if I had to go. They consulted with a few other doctors and told me if I did not agree to go that they would have to get a court order, so I just agreed to go. The next few hours before the EMT's came to pick me up consisted of a lot of goodbye texts to my friends, silence, phone calls to my family, and a lot of tears to my Mom about how scared I was. I didn't know what to expect. Then, the EMT's came to transfer me, they strapped me down and I gave my mom my phone and said my final goodbye.

When I arrived I was greeted by the nicest lady I have ever met. She welcomed me with a bright smile, took my stuff that my mom packed me, took my information, fed me dinner, and did my initial exam. I wore a hospital gown to bed that night while they washed my clothes and I woke up that morning and called my mom to let her know I was okay. Later that day when visiting hours started, I finally got to see my mom again. Literally my mom is amazing, she packed me my favorite snacks, magazines (I didn't have any electronics ) to keep me occupied, extra clothes, hygiene things I needed, and stayed until visiting hours were over. This was all on a Saturday which was my first and only full day there. There was only three other patients there while I was there so I got really lucky with my own room. The showers were semi nice, for a hospital at least. We had all meals downstairs, and honestly it was really good food, at least better than what I expected. There wasn't too much to do and I only attended one group, but I remember Saturday night I asked to talk with someone, which I did and that conversation was exactly what I wanted. I wanted out as soon as possible and that meant faking that I was okay and convincing the doctor that I would be better out of there. That's how I got released on a Sunday, which don't get me wrong I did want out, but for the sake of my mental health I really should've stayed. They sent me home under the supervision of my mom and Monday I went home with my mom for the week before heading back to campus.

I spent the week at home and headed back to campus where I went straight to therapy. I was completely honest with my therapist and told her that I wasn't better. I felt so much worse, I started seeing things, I thought I was losing it and nothing was going to get better, I almost gave up again. I agreed that I needed more help and needed to leave Purdue and thats when I made that decision to put myself back in inpatient care. However, I was deciding where I went. We called my mom to come pick me up again and then worked on figuring out where I wanted to go.I remember saying "If I am admitting myself, I am picking where I go"and I did. I had a couple options, one being the Anderson Center, to which I have heard a lot of bad experiences so that was a no from me. Next was Community North in Indy, which is where I ended up going. It was just 30 minutes way from home, and they had a spot open. I packed my bags because I now knew what I could and could not have while in the hospital. I'll admit, haha as soon as I got there I looked at my mom and said " what did I just do?", I had instant regret that I had just put myself in a hospital willingly. However, I quickly learned that I am strong because I made that call. I reached out for help knowing I needed it. I didn't wait. I was put in a room for 4 hours where they observed me, haha they really did not observe much because I just slept and drank apple juice when I was awake. Finally they admitted me on to the overflow unit and that was interesting.

They took me up with security and I was already in awe because the place was HUGE! They went to take my blood sugar and I was throwing a fit because if you know me, you know I HATE needles. Next thing I hear was "we got a young one" from a couple residents and all I could think of was oh my goodness I am going to die in here. Just a tad dramatic, I know, but they ended up being so nice. I went to bed that night ending another really rough day. Well because I wasn't put in the correct unit, I wasn't allowed to have any visitors which I think was way harder for my family than it was for me. I was for sure the youngest one in the unit I was placed in, but I took it as an opportunity to learn. The staff was amazing, I had two amazing nurses in specific that I loved and they were both named Megan! The staff still provided me with the right resources for recovery even though I was on the wrong unit, they went out of their way to provide me with materials that I could use. I was never bored at this hospital which amazed me. My typical day was to eat breakfast, phone calls with my mom, dad, or grandma, go to group, shower ( although the showers were horrible, I refused to shower until my mom could bring me my shower shoes) , eat lunch, meet with a doctor, group, go to the gym, do a puzzle with someone, maybe nap again or snack, group, and dinner, and more groups! There was one time in specific that I will hold in my heart, which was when my mom called to tell me that my best friend had contacted her to see how I was, that's my best friend right there, the one person that has never left my side and I am so thankful for her. I remember my mom packing me a picture of my dog and that was all my nurses heard about because he was my #1 reason for living. Community North was truly my saving grace. I ended up staying for a week, one of the longest yet fastest weeks of my life. I learned so many valuable lessons, met a few really cool people, but I was so excited for my momma to come pick me up, so I could, of course see my puppers Charles.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar depression amongst other things and given the proper treatment. Returning home was one of the best experiences, because I got to be surrounded by people that supported me through one of my hardest times and still do. Everyday has gotten so much easier after I made some much needed positive life decisions and changes. It took a lot of positive self talk, self care activities, me decisions , putting my trust in God, realizing my self worth, and most of all removing people in my life that were only dragging me down. To this day I really have to thank my best friend and family for everything they've done for me during one of my hardest times. I know recovery was hard for me, but it had to have been even harder for my close loved ones and I am so thankful for them all. Every day is a battle, some more than others, but after going through everything I have , I know I can handle whatever is thrown at me, and that, that is improvement.

If you made it this far, thank you, thank you for taking the time to read about this journey of mine. This was one of the hardest things to write, but it's a part of breaking down that stigma around mental health. You are more than your diagnoses, you are whoever you want to be. Keep fighting.