I never thought that I of all people would end up in an abusive relationship. I never thought that I would let anyone take advantage of me or hurt me. I was not a confrontational person; I would do anything I could to avoid trouble. I wouldn’t associate with anyone that seemed like bad news, and I would never think of putting myself in danger. Unfortunately, these sorts of situations are not always apparent. Had I known that this boy would hurt me, I would have never gone down the path that I did. He was my friend; I trusted him. I trusted him a whole lot more than I should have, though.

I faced ten months and six days of emotional and physical abuse from someone that supposedly loved me. This person told me he would give me the world and promised that he would keep me safe. Lies, all lies. The fear, guilt, and suffering are all gut wrenching feelings that I still feel four years later. I cannot go to certain places without frustration; there are songs on the radio that I have to skip over so that I don’t start to throw up. There are so many things that I have to miss out on to prevent my anxiety from flaring up, yet there are still so many times where I find myself in a dark place for no reason at all.

So, sweetheart, I hope you are reading this. I want you to know that while I am in a much better place right now, I am still suffering from what you did to me. I am not angry anymore, what I am at this point is disgusted. I have done so well with avoiding you after our breakup; I did a damn good job of keeping you out of sight and out of mind. However, something I never expected to see was an invitation to your wedding in a few months. Why is it that every time I finally build myself up that you try to knock me down again? It is almost as if you know when things are getting better for me, so you know just when to throw a storm my way. I can’t do this anymore.

The day that I left you is burned into my mind permanently. It was both the best and the worst day of my life. I stood up for myself; I sought out help. I ended the abuse that you were bestowing upon me. I took a chance, something that many victims of domestic violence contemplate, but rarely follow through. This was the day that I became fully aware of our situation, the day that I had won the battle. I did the right thing; I will never deny that, but this was the day my life fell apart.

I had lost the ability to act normal. I would cry every day until I couldn’t cry actual tears anymore. I had stopped eating for a while, and when I did eat I would throw up. I didn’t talk to anyone, not even my family. I locked myself up in my room and refused to come out for days on end. I missed a lot of schools specifically because I couldn’t function properly to be in a purely social environment. I didn’t know how to socialize after you did this to me. For months, I wondered why the breakup affected me so much. I was doing what I needed to do to protect myself, yet after the fact, I had no idea how even to take care of myself. Then I started to realize what my issue was.

You decided my worth, and I believed you. You made me feel useless, used and abused. Those feelings don’t just go away when everything's said and done, they linger. I have wasted years of my life and went through so many relationships that probably could have worked, but since I could not value myself, I saw no value in others either. I didn’t know how to date because I didn’t know how to show my emotions. My walls were built higher than Donald Trump could ever dream of. I couldn’t even properly convey enthusiasm for my friendships, in fact, I think my friends suffered about as much as I did as I went emotionally numb from them. I couldn’t properly convey my feelings, all I was doing was existing at that point. That was all that I could do, just exist.

The day I left you was a nightmare, everything that had happened to me up until that point had snowballed. I was broken, and I was tired. I still am.

I made the right choice; I know that I did. You put me through hell, and while the day I left you is a horrible memory, it was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. Today I am a stronger person for the choices I have made. I took my chances, and I will never regret that. I hope you’ve gotten yourself figured out as you prepare for your wedding. The invitation was a spiteful attempt to bring me down, and to be honest you somewhat succeeded. I was happy for you when I found out that you and that beautiful lady friend of yours were moving on and had plans of starting your family. No offense, but I take my well wishes back. Good luck to you, you don’t need my approval or my attendance. Consider this article my official RSVP that I will not be in attendance that evening.

From what I understand, the relationship you two have is a lot healthier than we had, and for that I am grateful. No one deserves to be put through the hell that I have battled, absolutely no one. While there are no traces of physical abuse, I hope that you are a strong, emotional partner. I hope that you have learned compassion and empathy and that she is not lying through her teeth the way that I had. Emotional abuse is so much harder to detect, even for the victims themselves. I hope to high heaven that everything is okay.

No reason to leave is not a valid reason to stay.