You never think it will happen to you. I mean we are all going to live forever right? The thought of death, especially as a college student, is something that does not even seem realistic. This is the time when life feels as though is just beginning. We have so much to do. We have so much to see. We have so much to accomplish. We are invincible. Fact of the matter is, we are just too young to go. There is comfort in having this mindset, which is why we have it. It makes it easy to live a little crazier, be a little more daring, and take a risk. You only live once; just go for it.
“I saw my life flash before my eyes.” “I was heading towards a bright white light.” “I felt detached from my body.” An impending death situation triggers different emotions, experiences and varies from person to person. But the one chilling common denominator each near death experience has is one thing: your mind accepting the fact that you are going to die. My life never flashed before my eyes. I never saw a white light or heavens gates. I never had an out of body experience. I did not have some spiritual awakening. Mine, it was simple. It was real.
This particular time of year a local hiking spot had gotten an unusual amount of heavy rainfall and what was once a small creek was now a rapid running river. Three of my closest friends and I decided to go for it and hike anyway. We were laughing, taking pictures and were growing confident with the challenge of getting up the small canyon. Too confident. Finally, after about an hour or so of strategic planning and careful hiking we had made it to the top. The water was bubbling swirling and hissing as it pounded down the sides of the canyon. In my final attempt at crossing the river, what appeared to be a large solid log was actually completely rotted on the inside and my foot fell through. Leg stuck and body twisted, I am on my back completely under the rapids of the river. The water absolutely freezing. Water invading my nose and mouth, filling my lungs. Eyes wide open under the crashing waves, I can see my friends and hear them screaming my name. My body and brain go numb. Except for one thought: Wow. I am going to drown today. Even better, my three best friends get to watch.
I can not tell you how I pulled myself upright from under the water to hold on. I can not tell you how my friends were able to help pull me out. I can not tell you how we safely hiked back down. All I do know, is that my pants were torn to shreds and my whole body was in shock. I was a wet muddy bloody mess. It is amazing what happens in a near death experience. Nothing makes sense. Time is moving so quickly but has stopped at the same time. Getting out of the freezing cold water was the hardest and easiest thing to do. Feeling so alone and forsaken but comforted and surrounded. It is beyond bizarre. Complete and total vulnerability.
Survival Mode: Going Numb
Everything goes numb. Your brain blocks out all trains of thought except for whatever will help you get out of the situation alive. My brain accepted the fact that it was over, this was it. But my body thought differently. It amazed me that my body knew how to take care of itself even when I did not know how. Keep you alive. I froze, but my body kept fighting the pounding of the water. Kept holding on. You don't think about it, you just do it. The mind and body just go blank so that adrenaline can just do its job.
Physically Reminded
My whole body just ached for about a week after. Withstanding hundreds of pounds of pressure from rapid running water took its toll. Even though I was lucky and walked away with just scratches and bruises, every pain or wince brought me right back. Flashbacks of how those scrapes or big bruises got there was a constant reminder. It is as though you can not escape it. Your body won't let you.
It Haunts You
You replay the unwelcoming memories over and over. When your mind goes blank, the thoughts you would have had in that moment all coming rushing back once the adrenaline wears off. So the emotions and feelings of what happened do not come to you miraculously in the moment, they come after you realize you survived it. Its difficult to sleep. You dream about it over and over. You can not escape it. For awhile, it was difficult to even close my eyes and let the water run down my face in the shower. You will never forget it.
Guilt and “What If's”
I felt so guilty. Guilty for falling in. Guilty for putting my friends lives in danger. Guilty for putting them in the position to pull me out of the water. I felt so guilty because what would have happened if I didn't make it? What if they actually watched me just go under and never come back up? What if they had to go home and tell my family that I would never becoming home? What if they had to go to make that 911 call? I would have ruined their lives. It makes me sick to think about it. I felt guilty for going up there even when I knew it was unsafe. If it was going to happen to someone that day, I am so glad it was me.
What You Really See When Your Life Flashes Before Your Eyes
You replay important moments. Things that mattered. You remember the events of your life that hit you the hardest. The highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows. So, if almost dying isn't enough, you dwell on events of the past. You see the people you hold absolute closest and the people that mean the world to you. Thinking about the last time that you saw them and how that could have been the last time you would have ever seen them. You also might think about things that are not quite as important, for example, I remember all I wanted was to be home on the couch watching TV. Safe. It sounded like the best thing in the world. It is scary but eye opening. Your mind and your heart become very honest when you think about what made your time on earth memorable. Good or Bad.
Regrets
If that was the end, would it have been ok? Would you have been satisfied with your life? I thought about things that I wish could have happened differently. Things I wish I would have done. People you would have wanted to see just one more time. All the times I should have just gone for it and other times I wish I would have stood back. You regret what you didn't do as well as what you did.
The thing about a near death experience that sticks with you, is there is a reason you lived. It wasn't your time. It isn't over. There is so much more life to be lived. More good and bad to come. More memories. More time with those that mean so much. I learned so much from that day. I will never forget it. Above all, I know now better than ever, cross the river on rocks not logs.
