Remorse and Wishful Thinking
Year: 1928
Three days after the incident
Alistair knocked at the open door of Ana’s room, where she stared out at the snow silently from her chair.
“Anastasia? How are you feeling today?”
She remained silent. Ana had hardly said a word since they returned to headquarters and she’d regained consciousness. Alistair sighed, and took a step in.
“Anastasia, this isn’t--”
“Yes it is.” She cut in, still looking out the window. “This is all my fault. I could not stop him.”
“Matthias you mean?”
“He does whatever he wants. I told him I did not want him killing anyone with my hands.”
“I can understand...but he was just--”
“Trying to protect me?” Ana turned to look at him, eyes glossy with emerging tears. “He just wants me alive so he does not die himself.”
Alistair gave her a sympathetic look, and walked in to sit on her bed. At least now she was finally talking. This was the most he'd gotten out of her in days.
“I think there’s a little more to it than that.”
“Like what?” She snapped.
“Well, he and I talked after...after i found you.”
She looked perplexed. “...He, talked to you?”
“Is that odd?”
“...He does not talk to anyone besides me.”
“Well he told me a little about you.” He saw her whole body tense up and her face go pale.
“....did he tell you about him?”
“Your father, yes.”
“He is not my father!” She spat out, a few tears falling from her eyes. “Not after what he did to me! What sort of monster turns his little girl into this?! This--Th-this THING?!”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry, i didn’t mean to upset you. I won’t call him that anymore.”
Ana looked back out the window again, biting her lip to hold back her sobs and fighting the rest of the tears. Oh how he wanted to just hold her.
“Anastasia...I cannot express, how sorry i am that you had to endure such…..No one, should have to go through that. I cannot even begin to imagine how awful that must have been for you. But I am here for you. Please, if you need to talk, or even just cry, I will be there to listen.” Ana went quiet for another moment before she spoke again.
“...I do not remember much after the third surgery. He had me put under so much, that those last months are all one big blur. I suppose in that case, I am fortunate. But everything before, is just as vivid as the days they occurred; All the tests, the simulations, the diet changes, the experiments...”
His hand moved on its own, and gently rested atop of hers. “It’s okay. He can’t hurt you anymore. You’re safe.”
“...But no one is safe from me.”
She couldn’t hold back the tears after that. Her body shook with sobs, images of Father Brennan and the others that had died by her hands. It didn’t matter that Matthias was in control when it happened; she still felt responsible. She still felt their bones cracking in her hands, the blood hitting her face and going down her throat. She could taste it. Recall its consistency and texture with morbid detail. It sickened her. It killed her to know it was her hands that had wrought their deaths.
“Anastasia…!” Alistair called firmly, bringing her out of her conscious nightmare. Had he been saying her name this whole time? His hands were holding onto hers tightly, new red streaks covering her arms. When had she started scratching herself?
“Listen to me. You are here. You are with me, in this room. You can feel wooden floorboards under your feet, hear the snowflakes tap the window outside. You can feel my hands, and hear me speaking to you. You’re okay.” He opened an arm for her. “You’re scared and that’s okay. It’s okay to be scared, Ana. It’s okay to be upset. You can cry if you need to.”
Ana’s chest heaved with shallow, desperate breaths for air, interrupted by air catching in her throat as tears streamed down her face. Yes. Yes, she was here with him. She wasn’t back at the lab. She wasn’t with those corpses. She was in this room, with the one person who had stayed after meeting ‘him’. He was still here, even knowing what she was. Ana shook as she stood up, falling to her knees before she could reach him. Alistair didn’t hesitate to bring himself to the floor with her, and enveloped her in his arms to bring her into a tight embrace. She curled up against him like a child, clinging to his shirt as sobs continued to violently convulse her body. He sat patiently, holding her and rubbing her back as she cried and apologized over and over…
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It was some time before Ana had calmed down enough to stop shaking, and her body only jerking every few breaths. It seemed that all that crying had finally begun to wear her out.
“Are you alright now, Anastasia?”
“...I...I-I do not know. I truly do not know anymore…”
“That’s okay. You don’t have to know.”
“...Why are you s-so nice to me…?”
“Why shouldn’t I be?”
“But I’m…”
“I know what you are, Anastasia. That doesn't make a difference to me.”
“It does f-for everyone else.”
“I’m not everyone else. And I’m not going to turn my back on you.”
She sniffled, pondering this new concept for a minute. “...I do not understand it.”
“What’s not to understand?”
“Everyone else h-hates me. They are afraid. S-So why are you not?”
...After a second Alistair chuckled. “I’ll tell you when you’re older.”
“...W-What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll see, when you’re older.”
“You sound like a dad.”
He laughed. “I wish i was.”
“...Why aren’t you, then?”
“I can’t physically have children myself. I was born sterile.”
“Oh...I am sorry, Mister Alistair.”
“It’s alright. I have learnt accepted it.”
“...Do you ever wish you had kids?”
“.....Sometimes. But i don’t think i’d make a very good father.”
Ana fell silent again, readjusting her grip on his sleeve.
“...I think you’d be a great father, Mister Alistair.”
…….Alistair smiled, blinking back the feeling of tears prickling at his eyes. Thank goodness she wasn’t looking at him to see it. He would hate to worry her.
“Thank you, Ana. That’s very kind of you to say.”
Ana shrugged, going quiet again.
“...I wish…” She trailed off, and shook her head before burrowing closer into him. “Never mind…i am tired.”
Alistair leaned over a bit to look down at her. “Do you want to lie down?”
“...Can I...I mean, could you…”
“...Yes, I can stay until you fall asleep. I don’t mind at all.”
“M-Multumesc…”
“But of course.”
Ana shifted to get comfortable, still curled up against him and clinging to his shirt. Surprisingly to herself and Alistair, she took less than an hour to fall asleep. All that crying really must have worn the poor thing out.
Alistair looked down at her sleeping form fondly, a thumb gently stroking in an up and down motion on her shoulder blade. Moments like this with his students were the only time he wished he could have children of his own. In a way his students were his children, but it just wasn’t the same as being able to hold your own flesh and blood. But that would never happen for him. His nature wouldn’t allow it. Even so, he still found himself content in this moment.
