I am doubtful this show will improve things, but last week's premiere summoned college girls everywhere to take a break from ultimately homeschooling themselves for thousands of dollars a semester to drink Rosé in excess with their friends on a Tuesday! As I said in a previous post, I am by no means a Bachelor Franchise aficionado. This means I know nothing of the trials and tribulations of this season's leading lady, Miss Clare Crawley. The Bachelor is something I just tried a few times in college, which out of all the self destructive behavior I could pick from this isn't half bad. Mom and Dad I hope you're proud.

To be frank, I don't have high hopes for this. From my minimal experience so far, this show is a ponzie scheme that is addictive and leaves you with nothing.

Exhibit A: my first season, Colton's season. In addition to this being primarily an exposé on male virginity, this season made my head explode numerous times right down to Colton picking Cassie. Then we had to watch them be "in love" on Instagram for a contractual period of time only to end with Cassie filing a restraining order on Colton or something like that and the relationship combusting. I feel like this isn't the first restraining order this girl has filed. One she's beautiful, but two she definitely thinks everyone is obsessed with her.

Exhibit B: Hannah B as the Bachelorette. This has been my favorite so far since I just adore Hannah B, but her picking Jed was a personal affront. Unsurprisingly after this horrible choice she ends up with no one and once again the return on my watching time investment is zero.

Exhibit C: Peter's season. This feels like a lifetime ago but there was so much insanity, random country singers and yelling just to have Kelly who Peter surely banged once before the show "surprisingly" end up with him at the end after the run of the season. Cool. Real Classy.

So you can see why I wasn't betting any money on this horse until I saw these men! Clare you have a pretty, pretty pool to pick from. Also, hopefully I'll know the names by next week but here is my general description of the episode in case you missed it:

As if we all didn't already know we were living in the midst of a Pandemic, ABC carries on for about twenty five minutes by showing us up close and personal nostril videos of all the men testing themselves for Covid-19. I'm sure there is a fetish out there for this somewhere but it sure isn't mine! Please get to the cringey introductions please and thank you! As I said I didn't know Clare but she seems super sweet and she looks amazing for nearing forty. Or really, amazing for anyone.

The only other things you need to know are as follows:

• Most of the men are good looking
• Some of them brought Clare food and the ones who didn't cried about being left out
• There is a contestant named Bennett who I'm fairly certain was created in a test tube in the very back room of the main Vineyard Vines headquarters.
• Someone dressed in a straight jacket which was highly inappropriate and I believe he was sent home.
• There was the obligatory prior to going on the show Instagram bombshell which involved one guy with a wacky accent telling Clare that Yosef was "being reckless on Instagram." Clare, recognizing that around every Saturday night around 1 am we are all a little reckless on Instagram choose to ignore this and send the tattle-tale home instead!
• I feel like half the people got sent home since as usual the Instagram bombshell monopolized the time and all men left standing looked excited.
• There was a makeout at some point but it's so early on who even cares.

I hope you found this helpful please just read this instead of relinquishing two hours of your life to this soul sucking program!