For me, Christmas break is a very glamorous time where I get to go out with my friends from home, dish all of our crazy stories from the semester, and live up that crazy, bohemian small-town-in-New-Hampshire life that appeals to every 19-year-old. What this really means is I spend pretty much every day with my mom, gradually morphing into her social scene. For us, this means a biweekly Zumba class. This past Thursday night while the moms and I were all twerking to Katy Perry remixes, I took careful, scientific mental notes of the variety of women around me that are a staple to any adult Zumba experience.
1. Tina the Teacher’s pet
Always in the front row, Tina comes to Zumba every day and somehow knows every routine to a tee. You see her at the check in desk making people fill out sign-in forms with a smile that says "I’m doing something for my community," when it really means "I’m doing busy work for free so the Zumba teacher can finish her salad."
2. Apology Amy
Amy is exactly the type to talk to the strangers around her as if to tell them to "brace themselves." She’s famous for phrases like "Hey, this is at least the one thing I do for myself, so what if I suck?" and "You picked a rough spot being right behind this spaz!" Amy is always friendly and self-deprecating, but of course it’s Zumba mom rules to know nothing about her except that she's "really not good at this; don't be watching me!"
3. Backwards Brenda
Sweet Brenda. Brenda is really trying. Brenda just has this issue with mirroring what the teacher does mixed with a woeful lack of spatial awareness. Any accidental Zumba injuries probably happen because Brenda fist pumps the wrong direction.
4. Brenda’s rude friend
Brenda is accompanied by her rude friend always. Brenda, why do you even have that friend? You know she just comes to this class and hisses at you under her breath the whole time. No one else would call attention your bumbling in the wrong direction, but it's Brenda's rude friend's favorite pastime.
5. Fitness Fiona
Fitness Fiona is clearly on a diet of some sort, and will not. Shut. Up. About. It. She doesn’t smile in Zumba once: She gets there very early to stretch silently with earbuds in, because for her this is just exercise with no feelings attached. Someone needs to tell Fiona that being a "hardcore Zumba buff" is an oxymoron.
6. Countdown Cool down Carla
Carla slums in the back and nowhere else. No one knows why Carla is really here because she looks miserable and Zumbas right next to the wall clock for a reason. The second cool down is over she is out that door, no looking back. This is why it’s ironic that she still comes back every Tuesday and Thursday.
7. Donna-natrix
This woman is the one you really want to dance next to. Despite the fact that she’s probably over 40 with kids doing science projects at home, she’s pretty freaky. She really loves to bump and grind more than most of the moms and she’s constantly "feelin' herself." My number one suggestion is to avoid eye contact during "Talk Dirty to Me," or you will feel visually assaulted.
8. Pitbull Party animal
Otherwise known as "my mom."
She loves Zumba pretty consistently, but when Pitbull comes on, the woman is on fire. I swear she gets more exercise from a four-minute Pitbull jam than the rest of the 56 minutes she’s there. Some people get embarrassed by their moms, but I’m grateful to share my home exercise experiences with someone who really goes all out to enjoy it. Keep doing you, Mrs. 305.
