The human body is a beautiful collection of soft tissues that should be celebrated, no matter the shape, shade, or gender. While clothing does keep you warm and protected from the elements, sometimes you gotta just let go, you know? Sometimes you just need to shed all those false skins so that you can better appreciate your own. Just never, ever, EVER, in these places.
1. The Jungle
Have you ever wanted to get naked in a jungle? Me too. The air is warm and wet so it feels like you’re drowning in your own sweat, and you just want to throw off your clothes and enjoy the natural environment teeming around you. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. Once you enter that jungle, you are surrounded by literally billions of tiny things that want to poke, tickle, and scrape you. The undergrowth is thick in those jungles, and you know that those ferns and twigs will be right around crotch level, the least ideal range of almost anything to be in while you’re naked. Do you know how many billions of insects are crawling over every inch of everything in that jungle? The answer is a lot. I guarantee that at least one ant will be invading your butthole per minute. Odds are, you’re gonna end up taking some of the jungle home with you. After all, you can take a naked man out of the jungle, but it’s really gross to take the jungle out of the naked man. You think about that, and then decide if you really want to be naked in the jungle.
2. The Bus
So you want to be naked on the bus, huh? Well, you’re adventurous, I’ll give you that much. I mean, I get it, maybe you agree that the human body should be celebrated, and you just want to share your bodacious bod. Maybe you have a crush on the elderly bus driver, but you’re not sure how to express yourself. Or, maybe you just escaped from a Satanist cult, and you’re just hoping no one notices the fresh tattoo on your butt. Despite all these reasonable situations, there is simply no excuse: you should never ride the bus naked! Do you know how much bacteria people carry around? If you’re in a packed bus, there is no avoiding people pressing and brushing against you, and there is no way that their backpacks are going to feel nice grating against your junk. Not to mention the seats! If you seat your butthole on one of those felt bus seats, you might as well just lick every inch of that entire bus. That is just freaking gross, and so are you if you ride the bus naked. Don’t do it. End of discussion.
3. An Open Field During a Lightning Storm
Oh wait, never mind, that actually sounds awesome. Go ahead, have fun.
4. The Museum
This one may come as a surprise to many of you. We all know that museums have many of the factors that make it an ideal nude spot: it’s clean, often spacious, and inherently made for people to stare at things. Of course, the curator and some of the patrons might object. Some would probably say it’s “inappropriate”, and others might say “Excuse me sir, your genitals are not allowed to touch the exhibits.” But the reason not to be naked in the museum is not out of respect for the other patrons, but out of respect for the exhibits. The human form is a tableau of curves and hues that art has been struggling to imitate for centuries. The real reason the managers of the museum don’t want you running around naked is because you’ll distract everyone from the art, and come on, that’s the whole point of museums. So be respectful. Don’t be naked in a museum. You wouldn’t even get paid anyways.
