What is the most extreme fidget spinner? Scholars have asked this question for ages. I asked it myself, and I have scoured the deep, dark depths of the internet to bring you back the most Extreme (and utterly bizarre) contenders. Your mind will be blown by these bad boys you're about to see.

1. The Fidget Spinner Nine Gear

The Nine Gear self-proclaims its dominance as "The Most Extreme Of All Fidget Spinners."

Completely unnecessary features:

"The 9 Gear Fidget Spinner is the most complex of all mainly because of its functional mechanism. It is made of 9 brass gears that each have a Stainless Steel bearing in a black body."

"The central bearing is also a 10 ball high quality Stainless Steel Bearing that is perfectly lubed to reduce noise and lengthen the lifespan."

"If you are one of those people that don’t go with the status quo, then you are like me. You need the 9 Gear just as much as I do. For real though, isn’t it the most rad Spinner you have seen. It is by far the most extreme."

2. Bluetooth Fidget Spinner

3. The Abraham Lincoln

Archaeologists will find this one day and form some kind of mythological lore. Will they say this was American currency? If they did, would they be wrong?

4. The Millennial Grandmother Inheritance Collection

5. The Murder Weapon

6. The Vape Mod

7. The Final Boss.

8. The Renaissance Man

"Detachable DIY Hexagonal Bronze Multimode Function Agitation Rotation Device"

9. The Comrades

10. The Russian Rosegold

"Guarantee long ideal spin times: Equipped with ultra fast bearing and a well-balanced frame to perfection to provide long spin times, Can spin for at least 2 minutes!!!"

The "Quality! Fidgetabit" is available in Gold, Silver, Bronze, Rosegold, or Seven-Color finish.

11. Has Science Gone Too Far?

The Unemployed Engineering Major

He's a connoisseur of his craft. Daddy's investment in that $75k diploma is really paying off. This man does not invent rockets or toaster trays like boring people. Why invent hydraulic engines to solve climate change when you could be making something this world really needs: fidget spinner hoverboards.

12. The God Bless Our Troops

Get your racist aunt this one for Christmas!

You can support your country AND use your fidget spinner!

In 2024, this new fidget spinner could replace the Pledge of Allegiance.

13. The Iron Scepter

"To the one who is victorious and does my will to the end, I will give authority over the nations. That one will rule them with an iron scepter.... just as I have received authority from my Father. I will also give that one the morning star." (Revelation 2: 26-28.)

14. The Engagement Ring

Give your cheating girl something to play with.

Are you in love with your ADHD? Do you think your obsessive compulsive tendencies deserve to be treated like a queen? Do the impossible, and tie the knot with a Fidget.

When your man only has one hobby.

15. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost

This genius tool to teach millennials Christian theology inspired some pretty tough backlash from some outraged Baby Boomer apologists. They responded with controversial blog posts, such as "God Is Not A Fidget Spinner."

Have we finally discovered why millennials are leaving the church?

16. The He Went To Jared

Revamp your aesthetic.

The Innovator

Convince your mom you have real friends by getting her to buy you a phone... that's actually a fidget spinner! Ha, ha! Joke's on you, Mom!

This is the world's first fidget spinner mobile with dual SIM. First time in the world. We are a groundbreaking company. We like to stay ahead of the game.

Someone In Japan Thought This Was A Good Idea

17. The Nano Stealth Incognito

This works great if you have baby hands. Finally a toy that's accessible to those of us with Tiny Hand Disorder.

Great for small children. In no way is this a choking hazard.

We still haven't solved climate change

18. The Revolver Gyro

"Great hand toy for adults and children with autism, anxiety, or ADHD." -Revolver Gyro website

Not only did someone pitch this idea to their company, but the company willingly chose to make this product, created product teams and professional photos, paid to have this made on an assembly line, and then not only decided to create it, but decided to market it as a great toy, and then went on to include that in the copy of their website.

Is this what the Founding Fathers fought for?

19. The Arsonist

Great for burning down your local Applebee's.

Is your fidget spinner truly lit?

Impress your grandkids with this fun consumer product straight from the devil himself.

20. The Administrative Assistant

Staples is saving their failing business with this hot new Fidget Spinner Thumbtack mod. Who said kids don't like office supplies?!

21. The Last-Ditch Attempt To Make Millennials Love Your Company

Take the thing millennials like and put it on another thing!

The Kids Will Love This

22. The Hivemind

Are Fidget Spinners networking and slowly gaining sentience before our eyes?

23. The Visual Atrocity

If your old, weird art teacher, your seven-year-old sister, and a UFO worked together on a product design, they would come up with this visual atrocity inspired by the vile aesthetics of Rose Art.

24. The Dali

A portrait of modern civilization.

25. The Mono

When the full deck is too mainstream.

Your ironic brother has this.

26. The Full Communism

This is the future liberals want.

And last, but not least...

27. The King of Kings

Who knew so much was possible?!