15 Things You Should Not Do If You're Carpooling Home For Break
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15 Things You Should Not Do If You're Carpooling Home For Break

We'd all appreciate a pleasant, odor-free, trip. Thanks.

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15 Things You Should Not Do If You're Carpooling Home For Break

It's Thanksgiving break with the end of the semester right around the corner. That means travel for us college kids, and unless you're one of the lucky ones driving alone (or one of the really unlucky ones taking the bus), there's a good chance you're carpooling with some others. As an experienced ride-hitcher myself, I can tell you that there are 15 ways to ruin a trip for everyone. Don't violate these carpool guidelines when you get going wherever you're going.

1. Don't Fart

You will be in a small enclosed space. The windows might be down, people might be talking, the radio might be jammin', but no matter what outside noise there is that makes you think you can get away with it, it won't work. Whether it's silent but deadly or there's flapping, for a few moments you become the most hated bio-weapon in history.

2. Don't Stay Totally Silent

There's little more uncomfortable than a dead quiet car ride that stretches on for hours. Everyone will wonder if something's wrong, if they offended someone, or if they somehow imposed their presence. Talking too much can be annoying as well, true, but at least that indicates some regard for the other people around you.

3. Don't Talk About Politics

No one agrees on everything. I don't care if you and your buddy are both super-liberals or mega-conservatives; eventually you will find a nuance that you feel passionate about which separates the two of you. Politics leads to shouting, shouting leads to finger-wagging and fist-shaking, and fist-shaking while someone is driving leads to car crashes. You don't want to end up in the afterlife explaining to your afterlife buddies that you got there because you thought $15 minimum wage was better than $10.10.

4. Don't Eat Messy Foods

If your food has a splash zone, just don't. This means chile, soup, sloppy Jell-o, etc. You are probably driving for at least an hour, and an hour covered in someone else's sauce is unforgivably long. One exception to this rule: cereal. Why is cereal okay? Because if you come out of a rest stop with cereal, complete with bowl, spoon, and milk, you have become a story to mystify grandchildren for generations to come.

5. Don't Forget There Are Other People In The Car

I partially mean this as a measure of courtesy -- ask if people want to stop at rest stops, get food, and the usual. I also mean you shouldn't literally forget that there are people sitting behind you. There's nothing worse than saying, "Oh, I like this song," and having the driver respond by screaming "Oh my God!" and almost veering off the road. I know this from experience, and I prefer not to say which person I was. Your car interaction shouldn't be the opposite of the Gif above.

6. Don't Reference "When Harry Met Sally"

Yeah, we get it, it was a good movie. We all saw it, we all know the carpool scene. If you're a guy doing this to a girl, she will assume you are flirting with her (like a pansy) in the most cliched way possible, and if you're a girl doing this to a guy, he'll mentally compare himself to Billy Crystal. And no one compares to Billy Crystal. No one.

7. Don't Forget Where You Live

There's little more annoying than asking someone, "What exit do I take?" and getting the answer, "Um, uh, um, the one into Pennsylvania. I definitely live in Pennsylvania." Then you start second-guessing even that part and before you know it you can't remember your childhood. Once again, I prefer not to say which part of this interaction I was.

8. Don't Be Contagious

I refer you to the previously mentioned farting situation. If you have a fever for something else besides cowbell or disco, you get to enjoy Thanksgiving in your dorm room this year.

9. Don't Die

I don't mean in a car crash. It's just utterly rude to die of unknown causes in the middle of a carpool. You will delay everyone's trip, they'll have to sit near your corpse, and they will have to talk to your parents who are probably pretty annoying. If you must die, do it before or after leaving, or at least die at a rest stop. Really people, I shouldn't even have to say this.

10. Don't Make Weird Noises

Carpools are not the time to be sniffling a musical scale or making clicking sounds like you are a drunk bat. We're college kids going home for break, trying to relax. We don't need your weird, wet, alien sounds keeping us stressed. I mean, unless you are an actual alien. Then I suppose that's acceptable.

...You're not an alien, right?

...Let me just add something.

11. Don't Conceal The Fact That You Are An Alien

If you are in fact an alien, of course. Don't need to tell me you are an alien if you aren't. That'd be worse, in fact, since I'd be afraid of abduction the whole ride, but also end up disappointed. But surprise abductions are also bad. Please, inform me of your status as an extra-terrestrial, then abduct me. Thank you.

12. Don't Change Languages Halfway Through The Trip

If you've been holding polite conversation for three hours, then suddenly change mid-sentence into a demonic language of the abyss, you're being rude. You're terrorizing the other carpoolers with the fear that whatever curse afflicted you will also bind to them. It doesn't matter if it's the necromancer's fault, just don't do it.

13. Don't Disprove The Theory Of Evolution

Maybe you've always felt dissatisfied with the prevailing theory of life on Earth, and have pondered it for many years. Maybe you've never given it much thought, but then an epiphany complete with a eureka moment strikes you. Just remember: there's a time and place for everything. In the middle of a carpool isn't the setting to present your incontrovertible evidence against evolution that will forever change science. That's a carpool faux pas.

14. Don't Talk About All The Cool Vacation Spots You've Been To, And Are Going To This Break, Like You're Some Big Hot-Shot Cause You've Been To All Seven Continents, Trying to Act Humble But Really You're Bragging And Just Because The Only Foreign Country I've Been To Is Canada Doesn't Make You Better Than Me

...yeah.

15. Don't Leave Me At The Rest Stop Again, Craig.

I was only in the bathroom for 10 minutes, dude, don't be a dick.

Follow these rules and your trip is sure to be appropriately awkward and no worse.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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