As soon the Thanksgiving day turkey carcass hits the trash, Christmas songs start playing on the radio. While some of them are bearable (All I Want For Christmas, I'm talking to you), there are some songs that make you want to rip your eardrums out. These are those songs:
1. Baby, It's Cold Outside by Neptune's Daughter
This song is the literal worst. Actual quote: "I simply must go (but baby, it's cold outside) The answer is no." If you like this song, you probably don't understand consent.
2. Spin Me A Christmas by Aqua
Did you know the band that sung Barbie Girl had other songs? Well, they do, and they're horrible. Believe it or not, this came out in 2009.
3. Have a Cheeky Christmas by The Cheeky Girls
Believe it or not, this song is sort of catchy. It's also terrifying. And how do they make chopping wood look so easy? One of the great Cheeky Girls mysteries.
4. Christmas Conga by Cyndi Lauper
There's something incredibly annoying about this song. Maybe it's that Cyndi Lauper rhymes the words "bonga, bonga, bonga" with "conga."
5. Millenium Prayer by Cliff Richard
What a lazy excuse for a song—this song is just the Lord's Prayer recited over and over. Plagiarize much, Cliff?
6. Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga
This song, in true Lady Gaga fashion, is disturbing. There's something about it's lack of rhythm or meaning that is actually nauseating. Actual lyric: "My Christmas tree's delicious."
7. Do They Know It's Christmas by Band Aid (any year)
This song features a bunch of rich celebrities singing about bringing Christmastime to Africa in the most condescending way possible: by focusing on their fame and selling the song on iTunes. One Direction, Bono, and Ed Sheeran have no business telling us that "the greatest gift (Africans will) get this year is life / Oh, where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow / Do they know it's Christmastime at all?"
What a first world outlook. What a terrible song.
8. Christmas Time is Here by Alvin & The Chipmunks
As if these movies weren't the worst things on the planet, there had to be music in them, and they had to record a christmas song. DO NOT LISTEN TO IT. It will make your ears bleed.
9. Nuttin' For Christmas by Stan Freberg
This little brat's voice is too much to handle. It doesn't help that it ends with the kid helping an adult man rob his parents because he didn't get the Christmas presents. Sit through the entire 3:13 song and cartoon. I dare you.
10. Funky, Funky Christmas
Christmas should not be funky—end of story.
Enjoy this rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by DMX to cleanse your palette.
Merry Christmas!
