Every now and then I get angry.

I cant believe I allowed myself to be treated so poorly and destroyed for so long. I get angry because I knew I didn't deserve it, I knew I was much better than who you made me out to be and I knew I had worth, a lot of it. But being angry doesn't help. It doesn't take back the time I lost trying to live up to someone else' perception of perfect.

every now and then I get angry, but not at you.

If i could say anything to you, it would be thank you. And I know that sounds crazy. why would I be thankful for somebody who made me hate myself? why would I be thankful for somebody who made me feel like I didn't belong?

I used to think that way too. I used to hate your guts.

I used to want you to feel the pain you put me through, the countless nights of wishing it was you awake crying until you head felt like it was going to explode and your eyes were so blood shot they hurt to close. Wishing it was you who had the anxiety attacks, the panic in your sleep, not me. not only for myself but for those who maybe don't have the strength to see it right now, thank you.

Thank you for the betrayal. Thank you for the name calling, the emotional distress. the abuse, and the hole you dug and pushed me into knowing I had no way to escape. Thank you for forcing me to walk away, for making me have to move on and for driving me over the edge because if you never did I'm not sure I would've ever had the strength to leave on my own and I would still be living inside your wasteland.

and as hard as it is to say now and probably just as hard for you to hear, I'm not sure if I would have ever made it out alive. so thank you.

But don't get me wrong.

I wish it never came to this and I hope and pray you never put anyone through it again.

I just want to say thank you. Thank you for breaking my heart.