Just a few weeks ago, at around 2 a.m., I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, crying my eyes out, wondering what I had done wrong. Wondering what I did that made me such a terrible girlfriend. Wondering how I was going to survive without the boy who I thought was my rock and my best friend. But the longer I had these thoughts, the more I began to wonder, how is it that I walked away from this relationship completely broken, but he walked away without a scratch? Why couldn't I be happy like he was?
Why couldn't I just be happy again?
It was this question that made me ask myself "Was I happy before?" After some reflection, I realized that the answer to this question was no. I wasn't happy and hadn't been in a long time. All the questions that I had been asking myself became less important, and suddenly I had only one question: Why wasn't I happy? Well, the answer to that is quite long.
In the past three years, I had been in two relationships with not much time in between them. Because of this, I forgot how to be independent. When I would date someone, I would completely rely on them, so without that person to rely on, I was completely and totally lost. I would also begin to morph into whoever I was dating to the point where without a boyfriend, I had no idea who I was. I was having a major identity crisis. I would've turned to my friends for help, but I had ditched them all for my boyfriend. In fact, I had ditched everyone I cared about. I was reluctant to even ask my friends for help because I was convinced they would hate me for ignoring them for years. Thankfully, they forgave me and welcomed me with open arms, despite me not deserving it.
After reconnecting with my friends, I was still missing something. I still wasn't totally happy. I was on the right track, but I just didn't feel complete yet. I did my best to convince myself that I really was happy and tried brushed it off, but it still stayed in the back of my mind, bothering me every time I tried to relax. A couple of days later, as I was scrolling through Instagram, a bible verse appeared in my feed.
"For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it." — Luke 9:24 (NIV)
As I read this, everything clicked.
I was spending all of my time trying to fix my life instead of trusting God and allowing Him to carry out the plan He has for it.
I was too focused on my own agenda to pay attention to God and realize that the plans He has for me are better than anything I could ever imagine. I had been completely turning my back on God. Why? I thought a boyfriend was more important. I traded a relationship that I desperately need for one that wasn't at all necessary, which was the worst possible mistake I could make. I needed God more than anything, and there was no denying it.
Today, I know who I am, and I'm the happiest I've ever been. How?
"Each time he said, 'My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.' So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." — 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
God works best in weakness. I was at my lowest point, but because of Him, I came out of this bad situation better off than I went into it. I'm closer to my friends than ever, and I see every day how truly loved I am because of them. I learned the importance of friendship, and know better than to ditch friends for a relationship that probably won't last. My relationship with God is also as strong as it's ever been, and it's still getting stronger. I give him every problem that I have, but also every joy because I've realized that God wants all of me, not just the good or just the bad.
Now, I surround myself with people like that, people who want all of me and won't leave me like a boyfriend will. I've learned to be myself and love myself and just love life in general.
So, thank you to my ex-boyfriend because now, I'm finally happy.
