I know just about every single word to most original Broadway cast recordings. My room is absolutely covered in posters from shows I have been in. I pride myself in my collection of Broadway playbills. I could go on for days about proper vocal technique while belting and I own fourteen pairs of various dance shoes. There was a very long period in my life when I exclusively listened to showtunes and “I can’t… I have rehearsal,” was a very common phrase in my vocabulary. When it came time for me to go to college, there was no other choice for me other than to major in theater. I have been performing since age three, graduated from a performing arts high school, and made my rounds in local community theater productions. I had known my entire life that I wanted to do theater professionally. I auditioned for a ton of college theater departments, got rejected by some, accepted by some and made my choice.

I had big dreams. I dreamed of Broadway, of the day I walked across the Radio City Music Hall stage to receive my first Tony award, of the day that I would make such a name for myself that I would return to my high school to teach a master class. Theater was my entire life, but when I got to college, I suddenly saw those dreams break into a million pieces right before me. Soon, getting the lead in the school musical became three-hour-long acting classes. It became reading play after play, wishing I could put on my tap shoes. It became dreading my 10 am theater classes and realizing that I’m no longer filled with the spark I used to be. A once optimistic and hopeful high school graduate became a disillusioned and burnt out theater major who no longer wanted to pursue her passion and it hurt.

The thing no one tells you about changing your major from an arts degree is how hard it is. It is so entirely hard to realize that the thing you love the most in the world is not what you want to pursue as a career. I came to this realization the summer after my freshman year of college and I felt as if I had lost my entire identity. You feel less than yourself. You feel as if you are a cheaper, less cool person than you once had been. My entire life, I have lived and breathed theater. You struggle with it and deny it so much, but there comes a time when you have to face the reality that you do not want to have a career in the thing you have dedicated your entire life to.

As I make plans for the future, I feel lost not knowing what I want to do, but I have to trust that I know what is best for me and believe that if I go with my instincts, everything will fall into place. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do and that's okay. Just because you do not major in your passion does not mean you cannot still love it. It certainly does not mean that I will stop searching for bootlegs of "Waitress: The Musical" or donate my fourteen pairs of dance shoes--it means that I changed my path and for now, my passion is not my main focus. While it will take a while to come to terms with my new path, I am so excited to see what my future has in store and how I will, one day, reclaim my love for the arts.