As a little girl in the school system, I always felt safe and cared for by the teachers and administrators around me. However, in high school that all changed. Learning new things and becoming aware of my sexuality all of a sudden blended together.
I remember in vivid detail every kiss, every touch, every message, every time our eyes met across the room. It was electric. You made me feel like I was so beautiful. Like I was the only person in the room. However, I also remember the day you were fired... and it wasn't because of me.
Turns out I wasn't the only girl you were making feel this way. Except one of us finally realized who you are and what you were doing and had the courage to step up. I am not one of those people. I was told by my friends that it was my fault. I was 17 and capable of making my own choices and I deserved to go to hell for being with a man who was married. I was called a whore, slut, homewrecker, pretty much everything in the book, but no one ever wanted to know how I felt.
I spent so long crying and feeling ashamed of myself. How could I have done such a thing? I mean he was the football coach and detention teacher and I was just a dumb high school office aide. I knew it was wrong when it was happening but I didn't care. I liked the attention. My self-esteem was so low that when an adult suddenly took an interest in me, I was flattered.
I am now 20 years old and I have had time to reflect on what happened to me.
You saw me as an easy target. You knew I wanted to be noticed by someone. It started out with an innocent brush on the shoulder and then long stares so I would notice you looking. You lured me to your room, made me feel safe enough to slide your number into my phone and convinced me to keep it a secret just between us. You used to tell me what I should wear, what I should do. You would call me down from the office so that you could touch me in between helping students. I couldn't concentrate during class because you would send me pictures on Snapchat of things I shouldn't have been seeing. How many girls did this happen to? It hurts me to think about it.
My sister is going to turn 17 next year and I don't want to think about this happening to her either. I should not have to worry about her getting hit on or approached sexually by her superiors. It was your responsibility to stay away from me. You had professional barriers you were supposed to uphold.
I wish you had never talked to me. Because of you, I went to college thinking that it was OK to let older men walk all over me. I got into a bad relationship that made me feel so small I didn't want to exist. Because of you, I don't view marriage the same. Because of you, I had no respect for my body for a long time because I was already going to hell so why did it matter?
It took a long time for me to build myself back up and realize my true worth.
Just because someone has more power or maturity than you does not mean you owe them anything. What I did was wrong BUT it was not all my fault and I am not alone in this problem. This happens all around the world. Just because it doesn't feel like someone is taking advantage of you, doesn't mean they aren't.
For anyone out there reading this because it happened to you, I understand. I hope you get help or tell someone you trust about it because it is NOT OK. To the man who scarred me, I wish that you could read this and know the pain you caused me. I still think about it almost every day. I don't forgive you, but I have chosen to finally forgive myself and get the peace I deserve.
