3 Heartbreaks Later And I'm Now Learning Not To Let Anyone Make Me Feel Unworthy Of Love
How you are feeling is normal and it is THEIR lost.
You never forget the first relationship you have, the first kiss you had, or when you said "I love you" and actually meant it. You never forget that feeling you have when you see the person who takes up 99 percent of your thoughts. You think about their every thought and want to make sure they feel the same way about you.
I am going to tell you about the three men who have been in my life, one of whom is still pretty relevant in my life today and that is OK.
I thought I was so in love with my first boyfriend.
But, in reality, I just liked the attention. I was not used to it and I thought things were supposed to move as fast as they did with the "I love you" and talking about marriage. I mean, you are supposed to think about the future when you are with someone, right? I thought he was the one because I did not know any better because it was my first relationship. I think we get wrapped up in the whole idea of being happy with someone that we forget about ourselves sometimes.
I thought he was the one and that was because I had so many firsts with him. Everything was so new and exciting and I had little to no experience before this relationship. I never thought a person could hurt and manipulate me so horribly. He manipulated me into thinking I was the only person he was talking to and that I was somehow a goddess and put me on a pedestal.
My second boyfriend was my best friend.
We were friends for a few years before we started to date and honestly, I could always tell there was something there. I would like to think we are most likely the same because we liked the same music, literally worked hard for our money, and were just chill people all around. He was someone I could tell things to and not have to worry about being judged. We became super comfortable with one another and for that, I will always be grateful. He knew me before I lost weight and had accepted me then because he is not that type of person. He was someone I could share my feelings with about certain things and I knew he would back me up. He was someone who just understood me and made me want to be a better person. There was just one issue with our whole relationship and that was communication.
Our whole relationship was amazing and I sometimes felt like we were not on the same page but that was OK because we mostly talked about everything. He just was not ready for a relationship and that was OK. We did not talk for about a week and it was hard but now we are still friends and I think it is for the best.
People have judged me because we are friends, but I think if both people agree to it then it is fine. We were really good friends before we dated and we have just always been there for each other and I think it is important to have someone like that in your life. After my relationship, it took me a few months to get back there completely. I am not going to lie, I thought we would get back together or something. I think you never want to lose that person who you loved and felt so close to.
Anyway, I recently started talking to a guy from Bumble (yes, it is 2020, this is normal) and things were really perfect.
When a guy literally wants to get to know you and does not just make comments so he can get into your pants, you know there is a real connection. I had been talking to this guy for about a few months and things were getting real where we wanted to see where things would go. The guy had told me he had just gotten out of a serious relationship so he did not know what he wanted or if he wanted anything serious.
We started to FaceTime here and there and it would be for a long period of time. We just got so comfortable with each other and loved each other's company and sent cute text messages to each other throughout the day. He made the effort by taking me out on dates and making me just feel comfortable.
Things got a little weird when he had exams and just started to become distant. I understand he was busy, but there would be days when I would not hear from him and it just started to feel like I was being ghosted and we all know how that feels. I asked if there was something I did and he simply said he was busy with school and trying to study and that he had become distant with a lot of people, not just me. OK, fine I can completely understand and respect that.
After his exams were over, it became short replies and not the flirty stuff that we used to send. I knew something was up and me being the overthinker that I am, I had to ask. He said I was becoming too clingy and that I wanted more than he did. This is coming from a guy who started to call me cute names and whatnot a few months after talking. A guy who never pressured me into doing anything I was not comfortable with. Someone I really connected with.
One day, he just got everything off his chest and said some girl he used to have a crush on had started to talk to him. My heart shattered because I just thought "Wow, why me? Why can I never get what I want in MY life?" Like things had started to finally go my way and I was happy with him in it. I just felt worthless and as if guys just were not worth my time at that point.
About a week after not talking, I texted him saying I wanted to talk again and that I missed him.
He said he missed me too but I was too clingy and didn't understand that he did not want a relationship. I think guys and girls are both guilty of taking things too far and just hoping for something else. I mean I was not clingy and I think that was an excuse but I went ahead with talking to him again because I missed him and how I felt when I talked to him. He did, however, tell me he was talking to other girls and I felt hurt but continued talking to him because I thought we could get back to where we were.
Quarantine happened and he said he could not hang out until phase 3, but that is when I saw him with another girl and the texts became even shorter and I just stopped talking to him altogether. I felt like I was a nobody to him anymore and that I had done something wrong. I asked what I did and his reply was simple but painful "I just really like the girl that I am talking to and out of respect for her, I am not going to talk to other girls." I had become "another girl" in his book. Honestly, now looking at his Snapchat stories and whatnot, it makes me sad. Like that could have been me but what did I do to deserve this? I was that girl who was his everything not too long ago.
All in all, I just want to say that men do not define us. I have been feeling worthless lately because I feel like I am not worth any of their time. I feel like every time a guy talks to me it is simply to get into my pants and be done. I hate this generation because everyone wants the benefits of a relationship without the girlfriend/boyfriend label.
I just want to be happy and share my life with someone by my side who respects and cares for me. Someone I can talk to and feel special with and someone who makes it their priority to make me happy.
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I wish I could go back and tell 15 almost 16 year old me to avoid you like the plague. 
