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If you asked me a couple of months ago if I was going to be forever alone, I would evidently say yes. The Aby in 2018 saw nothing destined for her love life and let me tell you, I was genuinely upset about that.
I thought I was destined to "forever aloneness", which most likely I am. Two months into the new year and I'm okay with being alone. I enjoy being alone, the perception of being alone is such a taboo aspect in society, although.
As a member of the lonely committee, I'll advocate for everyone at my best ability. Several years ago, when all my friends were getting into relationships, I was the last one "single". At that time, I beat myself up about that, wondering if I was too ugly, uninteresting, fat, or too skinny to grab a males attention.
As Valentine's Day approaches, I'm incredibly content in my loneliness. It's okay to be single or not in some sort of committed relationship. Society really loves to pit you against yourself and make you feel worthless if you don't have that "special someone". Ladies and gentlemen, you are not worthless.
It's hard not to think, but you have to allow yourself to know you're important and beautiful. The gaze of a romantic interest shouldn't be the most important aspect of your day and life. That's how I used to be, not too long ago and it's hard to get out of that mindset. It's hard to get out of any mindset that's deeply ingrained in your mind.
I'm the type of person who overthinks every aspect of everything. If you ask my friends, they could tell you the number of times I came to them, attempting to digress a text message. Sometimes, having a wandering mind can be the worst thing possible.
At times, I'll sit alone and wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Am I just not good enough for anyone? Which I rightly have to answer my own comment and say NO. I think I became too fixated with the idea of a relationship that I beat myself up for not having one. I wondered why certain things couldn't end up a particular way in my life and let that affect it tremendously.
Most likely, one day, I'll end up dying alone, which I'm okay with. As morbid as it sounds, it's very much true. I just don't want to admit it to myself, most people die alone, anyways. I'm not saying I don't want to be in a relationship sometime in the future, but I'm content in my place. I'm not trying to seek a relationship and learn to be happy within myself, which is a goal of mine.
It's okay to be alone, we'll all end up alone, anyways. So, ladies and gentleman, don't let your own mind get to you. I know it's hard to say that because at times, you don't understand why you're in that place. The ability to be content within yourself is the structure of your personal happiness.
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Babygirl, you keep me warm at night
When the world is cold, and shining bright.
Babygirl, look at me
You and I, are destined to be.
Babygirl, the clock is ticking
So soon enough, we'll be kissing.
Babygirl, look at me
You're so strong, just like a tree.
Babygirl, the world is spinning
But you and I just keep on grinning.
Babygirl, look at me
You're so beautiful, can't you see?
Babygirl, hold on tight
And hope the bed bugs do not bite.
Babygirl, look at me
I love you as much as you love the bourgeoisie.
Babygirl, you're so funny
And so sweet, just like fresh honey.
Babygirl, look at me
I love your spirit, so wild, so free.
Babygirl, I love you
And I'm ecstatic you love me too.
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Student Life
If You Push For Something That’s Not Meant To Be, The World WILL Push Back
Sometimes what we think we want is not what we actually need.
03 December 2018
105
Photographer: Patti Clark; Instagram: @bloommama_
Have you ever wanted something to work out so badly, but no matter how much time, effort, money, and love you poured into something, it just wouldn't?
That, my friends, is the world telling you that maybe, just maybe, that thing's is not meant for you.
Since I was a kid, I have always been a hard worker, and am still told the same today. I am willing to pour hours of my time, effort, and sweat in order to accomplish my goals and endeavors. When I entered college, I set my mind on wanting to become a Dentist.
For three years, I took the required science courses, I joined the honor societies, woke up at 7 a.m. and put on professional clothing to shadow, attended seminars and various lectures.
But for some reason, no matter how much effort I put into this endeavor, things just wouldn't seem to work out in my favor. I was pouring hours of my time into my science courses and was still not making high grades, I was attending tutoring and pulling all-nighters, trying to understand concepts- but it just. Would. Not. Work. But it didn't matter. I continued to work towards this goal, even though every other night I was having a breakdown, or was sleep deprived, or incredibly anxious and just overall miserable with my consistent setbacks.
I was so dead set on wanting to become the dentist that I continued to pursue this until December of my junior year.
I think at a certain point (maybe between the bi-daily tearful phone calls) a few of my closest friends knew that maybe dentistry wasn't for me. When they asked me why I wanted to become a dentist, my answer always was: "I want to help people." They tried to convey that I could help people in a multitude of other ways and asked me if I had thought about X career or Y career as an option.
But all of that was heard with deaf ears because I really was pushing towards this goal. I remember constantly telling myself, "you are working hard, you are doing it because you want to help people. Things will eventually work out, keep pushing."
But it didn't.
That December, I realized that I was constantly pushing towards a 'finish line,' per se, that never seemed to get closer Things I was doing just seemed to be being swallowed into a never-ending hole. And it was at this point that I decided that maybe this isn't the path for me. My JUNIOR freaking year. As if I wasn't stressed and panicked about my future enough, huh?
To my surprise, things slowly started to work out. I was surrounded by people who supported me, who guided and directed me to people who would help me decipher what I was passionate about and other possible career options.
Even though I was initially pursuing dentistry, my major had remained psychology because I was always more interested in the 'people' aspect of the career. However, once moving away from dentistry, I knew that psychology was where my interest truly existed. I was already part of a research lab in the psychological field. I was able to obtain an internship in psychology, which is a feat within itself, due to the nature of the field. And although I changed my mind about my future career, I was still on track to graduate on time. In fact, I'm actually graduating in about two weeks.
A whole semester early.
It might sound very philosophical, or however, you wish to perceive this, but I truly believe there are certain things you are meant to do. There are certain majors you are supposed to pursue, there are certain jobs you are supposed to have, and certain people you are supposed to meet. And to some degree, I think the universe is aware of it.
And I truly believe that the universe will push against you when you try to make something work that maybe isn't supposed to. And, more than anything, I definitely believe that the universe helps you when you are on the right path.
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Family Friends
Small Town, Big Dreams
To the small town living kids who have big dreams in mind-anything you want is possible.
09 October 2018
446
https://pixabay.com/en/town-street-main-street-quaint-582871/
Growing up in a small town is a true blessing, but it also can be considered a curse.
Growing up in a town with a couple thousand people who know you and all of your business and not being able to go out and feel the diversity the world has to hold can be hard... especially after you graduate and are ready to take on a huge world with an endless amount of diversity and opportunities that will come your way.
This is where small town roots can take a toll on who you become. Some of us want to stay where we've been planted and that is a beautiful thing, but to all of us who have big dreams, dreams way beyond on the imagination of the ones who have grown us, don't let our planters keep us in our small pot. We are born to grow, prosper, and believe. Dig yourself out of the small pot you have been planted in and plant your seed where you want to be, not where others want you to be.
You cannot completely leave your roots behind though because in the end that is what made you, that is what grew you, that is why you are the person you are today and although at times you may feel like they hold you back, with patience and time they soon will understand that life has bigger things out there for you.
This is for the ones who live in those small towns where everyone knows your name and who want to flourish in the big world where there is a possibility for everyone to know our name. Where you come from defines you, but you also have a chance to define yourself for who you truly are and want to be in the world.
Where you are now is like the starting line in a race, you have put in the hard work, dedication, blood, sweat, and tears in who you are forming to be and life is the race in where you want to end. The small town prepped you for greatness and if you wish to fly from the nest it is your time to take the bull by the horns and run the race you have been waiting for.
You are the one that decides when you cross the finish line; the finish line to all of your goals and aspirations. Along the way roadblocks will come about, but your faith will take matters into hands.
To the small town living kids, you have been given the greatest gift God could give you. You have a huge family back home who will take you back in an instant, but you also have a huge family back home that will help aid you as you travel your destiny.
Take a leap of faith, be who you want to be, go off and accomplish your big dreams, but remember where your roots are planted in this world.
Xo
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Arts Entertainment
Hayley Kiyoko's Concert Was More Than Just A Concert, It Allowed Me To Announce My Sexuality
Everyone deserves a great love story.
25 June 2018
113
I went to a Hayley Kiyoko concert on June 5th, 2018, which is different for me because I usually dislike concerts. I dislike the fact I had to be pushed up against people because we were in the standing area.
I also don't go to concerts unless I absolutely loved the artist and I love Hayley Kiyoko and her music. Her songs have normalized a girl having a crush or loving a girl with no shame. I still am learning to not feel ashamed. Also, the difficulty is especially, when I keep finding myself attracted to heterosexual females.
I went with my mom, aunt and my cousin. The reason I wanted to go with them is to let them see that it's OK to like the same sex. It's OK to wear pride clothing and it's OK to have a 20gayteen flag.
I felt it was the only place I could sing along to her songs without any judgment. For me, it was more than a concert.
It was an announcement about my sexuality in reality and not just on the internet.
During one of her songs, Girls Like Girls, I felt my voice starting to shake and my eyes started to water while I sang along to the words. I felt like I was hugging someone mentally and them saying,"It's OK." My friends supports me but I wish my parents felt the same.
I guess that was the reason I wanted my mother to go to the concert as well. She kept saying, "Oh, gay people can spread AIDS," and excuses such as that but I didn't know how to respond. I felt like, if I showed her the support of the LGBTQ+ community, how passionate I felt about the issues and Hayley singing and having a lecture about finding love and liking girls, I guess I hoped she'd change her mind. Of course she didn't.
But, I guess I hoped.
Hayley did say, "Even if you think you don't deserve happiness, you do."
I've always felt maybe, the world is punishing me and I might never date anyone or nobody would even like me. But, I do have to believe that I deserve to be happy. Also, like in the movie Love, Simon, "Everyone deserves a great love story."
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