I've Been A Bad Friend In The Past, But Never Again
It is absolutely incredible when you recognize your weaknesses and what you are willing to work on because that's always the first step to change.
I've been doing some reflecting lately. I sat in a coffee shop observing everyone coming and going from the cafe with other people. I mean, there are a few people alone, but at least half of these people passing through are in multiples.
People are chatting, laughing, and socializing their way through the order line. There are people at tables talking and working together on their laptops. People hugging hello and waving goodbye.
This has been something I've observed for a few weeks now. Nothing really registered with me until recently; Why am I always alone?
I can be an introvert, but I'm an extrovert, too. I love my time alone, especially when it comes to doing work, at the gym, or grocery shopping. Although I really enjoy being around people, I just like being alone and in my own headspace most of the time.
But this realization truly hit me. I started to analyze my life, as all of us over-thinkers do. I began to think about how many friendships I've pushed away, arguments I may (or may have not) gotten in, and moments of selfishness I embraced.
I thought about how crappy I am at handling situations where any sort of confrontation is involved. About how stubborn I am when it comes to making decisions. About how closed off I am and how scared I am of being vulnerable.
All of these things and MANY more has led me to the conclusion: I have been a bad friend.
And first, let me start by saying this article is not a pity party. I truly am disappointed by the way I have handled some situations in the past, but realizing your weaknesses is a step in a good direction, right?
Well, in realizing this, I didn't know how to make up for it. I don't think you can. I've been hurt in the past by bad friends, too, and there's nothing you can really do about it. What's in the past, is the past. I am sorry, but I really don't believe "sorry" is going to fix anything.
Actions always speak louder than words, and if you can't go back and fix what's already broken, you might as well use what you've learned to fix your future friendships.
To anyone reading this that I may have hurt in the past or that consider me a "bad friend:" other than the fact that I agree with you, I hope you know that I've realized this.
I can be selfish. I was taking my "me time" a little too far, sometimes canceling our plans just so I can do what's best for me and my mental health. I need to remember to sacrifice for friends sometimes, too.
I don't know how to handle my emotions. Sometimes I wouldn't know how to say "I'm not okay, I need help." In return, I'd lash out and push you even further away. I need to learn to be vulnerable and let you in.
I'd wait for you to reach out, and then get upset when you didn't. We're both busy, but I always felt like I was the only one putting in the effort with the friendship, just because you didn't call me. Well, it turned out to be the opposite.
I would rather be alone most of the time. And lately, I'm realizing how lonely "alone" really is.
So I may have been a crap friend to some in the past, but I'll be working on becoming a great friend now. I have some wonderful people in my life currently, and I'd really rather not disappoint them.
And I'd also like to add that if you're in a toxic friendship or your friend is starting to rub you the wrong way, say something. Tell him/her how you are feeling. Vocalize that. If they care, they'll realize and work on fixing it.
It may not be immediate, but they'll soon understand and work on it. Most times, they really do care, they're just sh*t at showing affection or handling their problems. At least that's one of my biggest problems.
And if you are the bad friend, understand that this does not diminish your worth. You are still human, and we all make mistakes. It's the moments where you realize you need to work on some things, finding those resources, and starting to fix it, that really shows your worth.
I'd end with an apologetic statement, but as I said, actions speak louder than words.
A good friend of mine recently said to me, "It is absolutely incredible when you recognize your weaknesses and what you are willing to work on because that's always the first step to change."
She is absolutely right. I've recognized it and willing to work on it. Being a better friend.
6 Tips for Improving Your Listening Skills
Being a good listener only affects every aspect of your life!
Almost everywhere you go you will be listening to someone (consciously or unconsciously). How well you do it can affect your relationships, grades, career, and more. In short, listening is important! Here are 6 things to keep in mind if you are trying to improve at it.
1. Stay focused on the train of thought that the other person is on.
Many people have very short attention spans. I don't know if this is a new development or not, but it is very aggravating. If you are trying to be a good listener, but then immediately change the subject as soon as the other person stops talking, it is clear that you were not engaged. Even if the topic of discussion is not something you are interested in, at least follow it until it fades out. If it matters to the other person you should listen, not be thinking about how you're about to change the subject.
2. Make an effort to not look at your phone, the clock, the window next to you…
Even just looking at your phone to check the time screams, "I'm not paying attention, you aren't really worth my time right now, and I'm thinking about something else!" Your eyes function as a huge pointer towards whatever your attention is on. If it is not the person talking, or maybe the notes you are writing based on what they are saying, or something they are showing you… you aren't engaged.
3. Support what the other person is saying (assuming that you agree and want them to continue).
Nod your head when you understand or agree with what they said. Do not interrupt, but subtly interject. Say things like "mmhmm","yeah", or "right." It helps encourage the other person to feel comfortable and continue.
4. Display open, positive body language.
Body language has a big effect on listening skills. If you are trying to truly be receptive to what the other person is saying, make sure that your arms (and probably legs) are uncrossed. Keep your feet/stance facing toward them. Keep your eyes on them. Stay in a relaxed position (as in, no hard fists or tensed muscles). Make an effort to not yawn, rub your temples/eyes, or stretch.
If your body language is closed off (arms crossed, legs crossed, facing away) then consciously or not, you are going to be less open to really anything they have to say. The other person will also see your body language and take it into account. They'll either stop talking or wish they could stop talking. With the yawning, stretching, and rubbing of your temples or eyes, these are all indicators that you tired and bored over the situation at hand. The speaker may or may not take this personally, but I can promise they will feel ineffective in speaking to you while you are exhausted.
5. Ask questions and make little comments.
Ask questions while they are talking to clarify what you aren't sure of. This is so important. Specific questions show the speaker that the listener was surely paying attention. It also shows that you are dedicated to getting it right. Answering the question clears the air and makes the communication between the two of you stronger. Also make small comments! Just words like "wow" or "seriously??" can show you are engaged. Help complete the sentence when the word is on the tip of their tongue. Actions like that help the listener feel like they are understood.
6. Think WHILE they are speaking!
If they telling a story, envision what they are saying as if they are painting a picture. Follow their ideas and their thoughts, building your own on top of them in your head. This will keep you occupied/awake and actually able to add commentary once they are finished.
All in all, if you're going to listen to someone, do it right! You cannot divide attention well among different things, so just try to focus on the person in front of you and the words coming out of their mouth. If you can practice these listening skills, you can help foster good relationships by helping people feel encouraged and comfortable around you. You can also increase your job performance and work towards moving up faster. Keep working on those listening ears!