I know how you feel, partner.

It’s raining, snowing, hailing, and sludge is falling from every pore of the city - and it’s only nine in the morning. And those stuffy bureaucrats want you to go to school in this shit? Bah! Akin to torture, no? Sadly, we must. Sadly, too much depends on that grade, and sadly, we already took a snow day last week to write that winter soliloquy inspired by that fall you took on some ice.

Don’t you worry your knowledgeable little head - here’s a short guide to surviving the trek to class in the dead of winter. I’ll guide you every step of the way. Are you ready? Let’s go, pioneer.

First, and most important, is to make that shower quick. Yes, the joy of hot water on a cold day is one of the prime satisfactions of getting out of bed. But you know what they say: the hottest candle burns twice as fast. Or is it the brightest candle? Anyway, the more time you spend letting the pulsating glow of shower water shower over your watery head, the worse it will feel as you step out and get changed. Short, fast, and then dry well and get right into those clothes.

Those clothes! Yes, them. This will make or break your today, and quite possibly, your life. In any other college environment, a thicc (you read that right, two c’s) jacket over a smaller jacket over a sweater would suffice.

This is not any other college environment. For here we are befouled by subway sweat that I HATE SO MUCH. If you are not careful - and the tightrope is a precarious one - you will be sucked into a whirlpool of frosty sweatiness, sweaty frostiness, or whichever you fear more! Too many layers, and that beautiful winter aesthetic you’ve crafted will melt. Too little, and you’ll freeze upon your trek. What to do?

And now the mammoth step, akin to Neil Armstrong’s first touch of moonstone upon his boot. Ah - at first the winter’s cold is fresh, like a gulp of Brisk Iced Tea (sold at most retail stores near you). You might even find it juicy, as the kids of yesteryear once said.

Don’t be fooled. All manipulators begin their foul plots with the promise of graciousness. Walk fast - not too fast, lest the dreaded sweat creep in - but at a pace as brisk as the midwinter air. Even if the snowfall is beautiful, mesmerizing even, it will no doubt be followed by a piercing gale of frigid snow! Besides, the stupid fucking train is probably gonna be delayed, so get on that yo.

You’ve completed the first steps into a polar world - and now the worst part is here. The pendulum of grimy dread swings in your directions. Walk slow, my child, into that dark subway gate.

Do you feel it? The storm of steam and smog? Oftentimes, turbulent atmospheres give way to turbulent atmospheres. The key is simple: move calmly, but surely. Chances are, with the weather, others will be delayed - trains move with deadpan certainty - and there will be no close calls with stepping on the subway. Did you allot time, like I said? Then you’ve nary to worry. Did you? DID YOU??

Your precise layers play a key role here - unbutton the top. Now. With the surge of heat, any exposure would give way to cool breezes. Don’t be too eager. Extremes are the enemy.

With this newfound companion of ventilation, as the lines dwindle - and your deadline - get onto that train.

The crowds will threaten your sphere. Bumping up, squished like that bag of legos in my basement, this is an inevitable setback. That does not mean you fear it. You will get to class. Worrying leads to sweating leads to frustration leads to slipping on the ice with carelessness and dying! Do you want to die? Before the sweet sunflowers of May arise??

Kay, so you’re off the subway, but unfortunately, not out of the station. Make sure you do not rush and shift your body parts with the anger of a gremlin. You need that energy, as well! Muthafucka, where you think that heat comes from? The goddamn heat goblin?

On the street - good! Almost there. Great, what do you want, a medal? The wind is back, the cold here to surround you. Almost taunting you, eh? But you’re nearly there. If you’ve made it this far with composure neat, with balance of temperatures, this last part is a breeze. Keep on. Keep on keepin’ on.

I know, the wind probably hurts like heck. Goddamn tunnel effect. But you will be sitting in a classroom, warm and cozy, so you will recover. Focus not on the finish line, but the fact that every step forward needs all your energy. Go! You’re almost there! And be careful, cause the snow makes these taxi drivers crazy, am I right?

There - your building lies in front of you. Pretend you still have a hundred miles lef, so when you walk in, that sweet comfort will be all the sweeter. Slowly remove each layer as you catch your breath. Cool balances out warm. Warm balances out cool.

Two top layers in hand - you’ve still some walking - you will march into that classroom, sit yourself down, and take a long sigh of relief.

Now getting back home, you guys deal with that yourselves. PEACE!