This article will be a little more personal than they usually are. And WAY longer than they have ever been. There's been a lot of things going on. Some good and some bad. I am an open book to some degree, I don't hide what I do from people because I know that there is always a possibility that my story can be used to help someone else. I have been torn between what to write for my next blog.. Its actually been somewhat of a battle because I really didn't want to talk about what is going to be in this article because it will let some things out that most people didn't really know about but I felt led to share.
Life for me recently has not been easy. The enemy has attacked me from every angle possible. He continues to do so. It's hard. It hurts. It will nearly drive you crazy if you allow it to have power. And if you try to handle it on your own.
(Heads up.. this will seem a good bit scattered because my writing is about as crazy as this roller coaster (life) has been for me)
I want to start by saying, I am Christian. I know that my eternal home is in Heaven. I rededicated my life to Jesus back in December, while in Alabama with some kids from my church. I realized that something wasn't right, that I didn't really and truly have the peace that I needed when it came to my eternal home, I didn't like living that way, so I knew that I had to pray and make things right with God. Life for me then had been hard and little did I know that satan would start attacking me even more after my decision. I would like to make a point here, just because you're a Christian, it doesn't mean that things for you will be easy and that you will not struggle, it doesn't mean that you are perfect and that you will never make mistakes. I am the worst of sinners, yet Jesus still calls me His child and loves me with a love like no other. I want to share with you some of the struggles I have faced since my decision in December..
Almost a year ago a lot of things changed for me. Some for the better and some for what I think sometimes was the worse. As most of you know, the relationship that I was in ended. At that moment in time (and the months after, if I'm honest) things for me were hard. VERY HARD. I thought that I couldn't do life without that person. My world was shattered. I had spent so much time and energy toward that person and being with that person that when it ended I had no idea what I was going to do or where I was going to turn. I had fallen "in love" with him and his family. What was I going to do? I honestly felt that I would never be able to move on and that I would feel that same broken feeling forever. And it has seemed that way. It hasn't been easy. When I say that it has been a struggle, that is actually an understatement. It has been a constant cycle.. Without going in to any deep details I will say this, if things end between you and the person you're with, let them end. Sometimes it's okay to try to be friends and then other times it is THE worst thing to do right off. Yeah, the relationship may have ended but it doesn't mean that you're completely over the person yet. It will do you more damage trying to hang out with them than it will if you both just took some time away and did your own thing for a while. If you do hang out, don't act as if nothing ever happen between you guys. Boys, don't treat the girl as if you still like her and mess with her emotions. Girls, same for you! I'm speaking from experience, the temptations will still be there, they're real, stand strong! Don't allow yourself to be the one sitting on the sidelines waiting for an opportunity to see the person, you don't need them! God did not create our bodies to be a tool that is only used when it is convenient. When they snapchat you or text you, ignore it. Don't run back at the first sign of "hello". I can only give this advice because I have been there. Girl/Boy, listen to me, it will break you! It will leave you feeling like trash, like you aren't good enough, or maybe it will make you feel that there's something about you that keeps them coming back to hang out with you, no. It is the enemy. RUN! RUN! RUN! Don't fall trap, please. And don't be the one that is trying to make the other person fall trap. Whichever side that you're on, stop and run. Enough about this for now.
When the relationship ended, I somehow ended up with some of the best friends. Thank God they were there for me even though I hadn't really paid them any attention while I was in the relationship. (Side note: Make time for yourself and for your friends! Your friends will be there long after the boy/girl is gone. Don't give all of your time to the person you're with, it will end in destruction, trust me!) I have one friend in particular that was literally there for me from the beginning. He listened to me when I was a jumbled up a mess, when I was angry and bitter, he watched as I made stupid decisions (not supporting it but sitting back because he knew that the only way for me to learn a lesson would be to go thru whatever it was), he tried to be understanding of the situation (thinking from both perspectives), he also hit me with the hard truth. He watched as I made decisions that I knew deep down would end up leaving me broken, more so than I already was, but thankfully he stuck by me through all of those stupid decisions.
Throughout this year I have made crazy decisions.. not saying that I have any regrets because all of those things shaped me in to who I am today and they gave me a story to tell. I allowed a boy to take over. I allowed him to take the place of my heart where Jesus should have been all along. I made him my idol. I spent all of my time and energy on him and towards the relationship. I am convinced that God ended the relationship when He did in order to protect us both from things that weren't of Him. Yeah, things took place afterwards that probably shouldn't have and I am also convinced that things are the way that they are right now because God knew that He had to make them this way in order to really and truly get my attention. I can't speak for anyone but myself... I tried the boy, it failed. I turned to the alcohol to help "fix" things and to get my mind off of what was going on, it only made it worse or fixed it temporarily. I have tried to justify all of the situations that I have found myself in somehow or someway but in reality there's no way to do it.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a HUGE weight on my heart. I say weight because that is exactly how it felt. I had a really bad argument with someone on the Friday before..it stuck with me the whole weekend. Consuming my every thought and weighing me down but of course hidden by a smile because, as always, I felt that I could have handled the situation differently and once again the person made me feel like I was just chopped liver and not worth anything. I wanted so badly to try to make things right but that is part of that constant cycle that I mentioned above and after the argument, I wanted nothing else to do with that. I went to The Gathering(a youth led service we have in my hometown) that Sunday night. I sang the songs, I listened to the speaker, I did all of that but the weight was almost unbearable. I of course, tried to keep it hid, I tried hiding it with the smile. The speaker that night spoke on forgiveness and keeping things in your life that you know shouldn't be there, along with other things. It never fails, Jesus always has a way with making sure I get just what I need to hear. Like I said, I was singing. I was trying to praise Jesus, but I was broken. My heart was shattered into millions of pieces. It was heavy. I had ran. I didn't even realize it. I turned to other things to try to give me the happiness that I was oh so desperately searching for, they all failed me! The time for invitation came, I tried holding tightly to the seat in front of me, not wanting to go forward in front of everyone, completely broken. I mean, I'm going to Haiti in a week, I am suppose to have it all together, right? NO! God uses the broken. He can make them whole again. When I say that God guided me down to the alter, I mean it. It was not me. He led me down there, I prayed, told God that I wanted nothing else to do with the boy, the temporary fixes, none of that. I was done with it. It only breaks me more. I knew all along that only God could give me the happiness that I so desperately wanted, and it took Him knocking me flat on my back and "taking" the one person that I have tried so long to keep in my life away from me. I've always heard people say "I surrendered it all to God" but never really experienced it on a deep level, I did that night. Yes, I still struggle with a couple of things but I am a work in progress. I gave all of the junk to Him.
I feel like I have been in a constant fight with God. That may sound bad, I know. But.. to me that's exactly what it has felt like throughout all of this. God has great plans for me, I know this to be true. He says so in His Word. He has great plans for you as well. I said all this to say to you.. don't allow a boy/girl to take the place of God in your heart. Don't allow them to be your idol, it will fail no matter how heard you try to make it work. Also, turning to alcohol, drugs, whatever it may be will not fix you or what you're going through. It is all temporary, trust me. Don't ever feel like you are worthless due to something that someone told you, you are precious. You are loved and no matter what you do will change that. I'll leave you with this.. you are never too far gone. God can use you, come as you are! He will clean you up. He will make you whole again. Climb up in His lap and let him love on you. Run to Jesus, give all of the garbage in your life over to Him. He can clean up the dirtiest of sinners, like me.