In order to be a mermaid, you don’t have to have perfectly bronzed skin or flowing red hair. You don’t need to be tiny enough for a streamlined size two tail or a quarter-sized scallop bra.
There are a few mermaid guidelines, though.
Let me explain:
I, my friends, am a mermaid. I tell you this so that you can continue reading my expertise with confidence that these mermaid prerequisites are, in fact, factual.
Now, let me begin.
If you don’t like water, you’re out.
Sorry. Maybe you’re fit for more of a landlubber hobby, because mermaid-ing just isn’t for you.
For those of you who do prefer a healthy dose of H2O, congratulations, you’ve made it this far!
When you visit the beach or the pool or any other body of water, you won’t be found sunbathing for more than a 20-minute time slot, no, you dream underwater.
And lying in the sun for an extended period of time dries out your glossy scales, ick!
You swim until your fingers shrivel like prunes, and you can always be found practicing your best mermaid stroke -- you know -- legs together, up-down-up-down-up-down.
When it storms, you don’t worry much, because the bigger the waves, the better!
An important quality for all mermaids is physical care, but this isn’t the selfie-ready preparation that you’d expect.
You don’t mind salt. Land girls insist that the contents of the ocean are grimy and pore-clogging, but you know better.
Salt simply exfoliates!
And as much as you welcome salt to your skin, your hair beckons for its company, which could explain the occasional infestation of knots.
Your locks are never perfectly brushed, and that’s OK, my beauty!
You have “whose-it’s and what's-it’s of plenty,” as does our favorite mermaid, Ariel, but you don’t use them to brush your hair, no!
Instead, they’re used for decorative pieces. After all, why ruin their value by corroding them with the saltiness of your fabulously tangled hair?
Another thing about you, my fellow mermaid, is that you take joy in the little things.
You giggle at the way a stray piece of seaweed twisted itself into the shape of a heart on the shore.
You smile at the starfish that appears to be bowing for a standing ovation in the ocean’s current.
My dear mermaid, you are beautifully conscious of your surroundings. You dance to the rhythm of the curling waves and rest in awe of the ships floating above your dreamy head.
You build sandcastles at every age, because you’re never too old to be young.
You don’t require the adornment of pearls or diamonds, because mismatched shells are beautiful in their own ways, as are the thrift store finds of the land!
My friend, if you have tangled hair occasionally too knotty to be brushed, if you love the water and dream of having a tail of your own, you are a mermaid at heart.
Take it from a mermaid.
