Suicide Was Not My Answer

December 2016 was the hardest month of my life while the world kept on turning. I caused pain to myself, my family, and to my friends. I worried so many people, even the people I thought didn’t care about me. December 1st, 2016 I decided that I was going to take my life away.

I spent the next 24 hours thinking of a plan. Should I do it driving to school? Or maybe on the way home? Should I just take a lot of pills?

It was December 2nd, 2016 and I was in my second period, Spanish III. I had my plan in my mind. I was going to wreck my car on the way home. I found myself thinking that this will be the last time I see these people.

I actually found myself tearing up in the back of the classroom when my teacher walked up to me. She asked if I was okay. I simply shook my head because I knew this would be the last time we talked. She brought me to the hallway and that is where I told her she would never see me again. I was going to take my own life because suicide was the only answer I had. She looked at me with eyes full of pain, and that is the moment I knew suicide was not my answer.

We went back to class and I texted my mother. I let her know that I needed help. I was too tired from fighting my depression, so I had to tell my own mom that I created a plan to take her middle child away from her.

The evening of December 2nd, my mother admitted me to a psychiatric hospital. As the door closed between us, we both began to cry. We didn’t know how long I would be in there or really much of anything at this point.

I knew only one thing: I had to be strong and receive help for my mom.

I was released on December 12th, 2016. I could breathe fresh air, smell the frost in the wind, and look beyond pale walls for the first time in a very long ten days. I felt better. I saw the word in new eyes. I was actually happy.

I never thought reaching my lowest point would make me who I am today. I am a strong, young woman that chose for suicide to not be my answer. It was not going to determine my demise. Just like you reading this, I thought it was my only answer. It could not have been because I have a long life to live.

Suicide was not my answer, and it is not yours either. If you are thinking about suicide, then please reach out and get the help you deserve.