Suicide: A Narrative
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Suicide: A Narrative

Look Inside the Head of a Suicidal Person

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Suicide: A Narrative

She stroked the waves with her gentle fingertips, brushing the ocean’s long, curly hair. The sunlight danced on the surface, making her reflection sparkle as if shrouded in angelic wings. Her reflection seemed to have a mind of its own, rippling along with the current as if trying to run away. The sun was above her head, smiling down upon the little sailboat, so far away from the shore. She peered through the haze, trying to find the white, sandy beach, but she couldn’t see through the sun’s blinding beams. All alone, she calmly watched the seagulls sob, the salty wind carrying them on a free trip to an unknown destination. As she lazily swayed with the rhythm of the tide, her bare feet soaked the puddle on the floor of the boat, creating little wrinkles around her toenails that were so carefully cut to perfection. Her oval eyes, black with the conception of night, gleamed with mysterious remorse and sadness. Her movements were slow, but precise, as she leaned a ways from the edge, looking into the deep bowels of the sea. She tried to speak; her lips parted, but before she could so much as whisper, her dry mouth cracked, letting a blood droplet bloom from her pouted lips. She quickly licked it away, firmly placed her jaw, and flicked back her raven hair. She stepped to the edge, hardly tipping the boat. As she looked down into the depths, her heart rate slowed, and eased to a soft throb. She closed her eyes, let the sunbeams light up her freckled cheeks, and dived into the chilling, wet blue.

The salt stung her eyes as she peered through the foggy, gray water. All she could hear was her heart humming in her throat. The sun shone through the waves, lighting her surroundings. The murky feeling of weightlessness made her nauseous. She looked down to see if there was a single living thing under her feet. Nothing so much as winked her way. The black pool of emptiness stared at her so intensely it felt like it had no eyelids. She resisted the reflex to swim to the surface, and instead let her body go numb. This was what she had planned. This was what she had wanted. The pain had been too much, and now she was going to drift aimlessly, following the dull push and pull of the waves to a better place… a painless place. Her eyes shut; her tears kept from the vast open sea. She would not share her pain. This act must be kept secret, even from the ocean that would take her life, and place it delicately into an oyster shell. Her pearl would shine brighter in the depths of blackness, brighter than it had up above. Her mouth opened, and without meaning to, released an air bubble. She opened her eyes, and stared at the air bubble’s round, glistening perfection. She squinted, scrutinizing the air bubble, then her eyes widened. She saw your face. Yourlong, pale complexion smiled at her, showing your pointed teeth.

“It will be over soon.” You croon, making her shudder, and grimace.

“I’m not afraid of you.” She thinks, making your smirk widen. This time, your prey is a volunteered meal. It will be an easy conviction.

“Loosen your lungs, let them soak in the water.” You say, your words pouring into her ears like hemlock.

“I want to die my way.” She thinks simply, frowning at your evil intent. The edge of your mouth twitches. You are growing impatient.

“Why not just let go? Let the pain ebb away: let your world disappear.” Her head cocks to one side, as if contemplating, but then her eyes narrow, and she shakes her head. “I want to die, but I’m not dying for you. I’m dying for me.” Her eyes seem to say. You growl.

“You will die either way; you’re mine either way. Death always wins.” She smiles, her lips wrinkled from kissing the salty waves.

“I will be yours, but you must wait for your prize as I wait for you.”

“Leave the earth behind. I await your juicy presence.”

She blinked. The air bubble rose higher and higher until it disappeared, lost in the swarm of the glowing waves above. The gloom seemed to leer at her, as if they too were waiting. She quickly shut her eyes and focused on not breathing. The pressure in her throat was making it harder to hold in her precious air. While the itchy feeling developing in her lungs discomforted her, she thought about what you had said. She was dying for herself, because dying for you would be like singing to a lilac. The flower doesn’t have an ear to appreciate the warm rays of a melody, it only enjoys the sunshine that helps ease its hungry leaves. All of her planning to be at the time and place of death had brought her to this freezing spot, just below the sailboat that had delivered her here. She looked up. The bottom of the sailboat was just visible, its rocking slowly moving farther and farther away. Her instincts were telling her to swim towards the boat, towards life, but she resisted. She was going to die. Soon, she couldn’t see the sailboat’s shadow anymore. Her stomach started to feel queasy. The boat had felt so reassuring there above her. It had been her ticket out if she changed her mind, but she sternly told herself that she wouldn’t have changed her mind. She had to die. Her throat tightened, but an unknown force squeezed an air bubble from her mouth, releasing it into the cold.

“Hello again.” You say. This time she sees you on a rusted ship, rowing towards a red horizon.

“Why can’t you just wait for me?” She asks, her exasperated tone edging onto angry.

“I waited. Now you’re coming...”

“Where?”

“You’re coming...”

Where?”

“…. You’re coming.” You don’t even look at her, but a smile creeps upon your face. The oars seem to be made out of shadows, and the boat seems to be made out of wishes, ones that were, and never happened. The slow, steady pace of the ship filled her with dread, as she stared into the heart of a fiery pit. All she saw was the red blood of the tortured and hopeless, which oozed across the sky. You look at her at last, your eyes colder than snow, colder than a midnight winter solstice, and the frozen tears of graves.

“You’re coming home.”

She screamed, letting a few more air bubbles pass through her lips. A bouquet of air bubbles rose to greet the sun, like a surprise full of soft, rosy petals. All the air bubbles were dyed red. She stared on in horror as they left her and went on towards heaven. They all seemed to be screaming at her: screaming to swim to the surface, to swim to the beautiful sky, the sky that wasn’t bleeding. All she could see before her was the turquoise liquid that soothed her aching pain. She relaxed, but kept a firm hold on the rest of the air in her system. She would not let you scare her. You were going to be her savior; her hero from the ruins of life, that would save her from the deserted road that led to nowhere. Her throat was starting to hurt, the seething pressure of the lack of air was terrifying, but she kept the remaining salvation from escaping. She drifted… all her purpose was aimless, and her life had no meaning. All she could do now was let her body blend and be one with the ocean. In all of her acceptance, she loosened her grip on her air supply, and let another air bubble slip. The image inside was so bloodcurdling that her vision almost went black. You were still on the rowboat, but now you had come to your destination. A vast landscape of hopelessness and despair greeted her. Trees loomed in leafless agony from the ashes. No sun was on the horizon, yet the bleeding sky glowed with evil wounds. You turned and grinned, your pointed teeth gleaming in the agonizing light of this horror.

“Welcome to your home.” You say. With these words, a chilling feeling went up and down her spine, paralyzing her body. She felt like she was slowly being entombed in a coffin of poison, which was solidifying with each struggle she made. Your dastardly, evil plan to eat her soul was completing itself. You crept up to her, your eyes hungry for a juicy morsel. She saw you coming, opened her mouth…

… and gasped. She couldn’t fill her lungs again, and in that instant, she realized she wanted to live. She wanted to feel the warm breeze on her face. She wanted to hear the seagull’s sob, and to see the radiant ocean dancing, trying to follow the road to the shore. In her realization, the last air bubble floated away, but this time, instead of misery and pain inside, there was only light. The steady glow of hope that shone upon her face enlightened her. She wanted that bite of air, that gulp of life. She tried to reach up for it, but her muscles wouldn’t respond to her wishes. Desperately, she struggled with her mistake, her remorseful decision, and tried to extend her arms, but nothing happened. Her raven hair swarmed around her, like ropes tying her down. Water seeped into her nose and her mouth, blocking all hope from entering. Gradually, her eyes glazed, and closed. There in the gloom, she grew still, and all around her the hushed silence watched, and waited.

“I got her!” The coastguard pulled her up onto the ship, laying her gently on deck. He pushed on her chest, the salt water oozing from her clothes.

“Come on, come on.” He urged, pushing harder, almost bruising her. A minute passed. Then her eyelids fluttered, and she coughed, sending spit and blood trickling down her chin.

“She’ll survive.” The coastguard said after putting her down in the cot downstairs.

“Who is she?” The captain asked.

“We found a license, but the name’s been rubbed off.”

“Strange. Do we have a contact number?”

“None.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to wait for the answers until she wakes up.”

“Yeah.” The coast guard smiled and sighed.

“I guess.”

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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