Mental illness is something near and dear to my heart. I have experience with it, myself as does much of my family and friends. For this interview, I talked to my friend that I am the proudest of. She has fought a hard battle and hasn't given up. She inspires me every day to be strong, and I know that her story will do the same for you.
Q: When did you first believe you were experiencing depression?
A: I don't remember a time when I wasn't depressed. If I had to pick an age specifically, I would say 8 years old. That's when my mom passed away, and I could really notice a difference in myself and my behavior.
Q: Who did you discuss this with, if anyone?
A: I kept it all inside. No one in my family knew how I was feeling. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, so I was scared to open up about it. I was forced to go to counseling a few years later after I was molested, so that's when I really started to learn what was going on in my head. The therapist helped me understand what I had been avoiding for years. That was when I was actually diagnosed with depression.
Q: What were your coping mechanisms for dealing with depression?
A: My biggest coping skill that is really only the one that helps me personally which is distracting myself by staying busy. When I notice myself falling into the deep dark hole of my thoughts, I just try to stay busy. I work a lot of hours during the day because it keeps my brain shut off and the outside world at bay. I find it much easier now to open up to friends and family, so sometimes just talking about it can help me.
Q: Did you ever experience a time when self-harm came into your mind?
A: When I went to high school, self-harming was always on my mind. It actually happened a few times. I had to find ways to cover my cuts/scars and wear long sleeves no matter if it was 90 degrees out. I struggled badly with self-harm. I felt that I needed to punish myself for not being good enough, or strong enough, or not being the person everyone needed me to be. I wanted to actually feel something. I walked around like a zombie, numb in my own skin.
Q: Did you feel dangerous to yourself or others?
A: I definitely felt dangerous to myself because at times I couldn't even trust myself to be at home alone. I knew if I was alone, I would more than just contemplate suicide. I would attempt. I never felt that I was dangerous to others.
Q: Did you want to talk about your feelings with family/friends? Would you prefer them to pretend like things were normal?
A: I never wanted to talk about it. I wanted to feel normal for them, to fit in and just be happy. I got quite good at hiding. I was becoming a pro at it. Now, I am an open book to my friends and family, and depression is my normal. I've had it for so long that it feels normal to me.
Q: Does medication make you feel more in tune with your feelings?
A: It honestly depended on the medication. I took some that made me into a living zombie. I couldn't have a normal full conversation because I would forget what I was trying to say, others made me so tired that all I did was sleep, and some that made me feel worse. But once I found the right one, it was a perfect balance. I could feel more than just being numb or too into my feelings. I could get out of bed in the morning and sleep at night. But even with the right medication, there are still really bad days/weeks.
Q: How are you recovering?
A: It took such a long time to get to the point where I am today. If I saw myself the way I was a few years ago, I wouldn't even recognize myself. The biggest eye-opener for me was when I went to the hospital and stayed for a while. That's when I knew I couldn't live my life like this. I had to look at all the positives in the negatives, I had to see the good in the bad, and I realized that I was not going to let this debilitate me for the rest of my life. I still have depression; I will always have depression, but I do not let depression win anymore.
Q: Are there times that are especially hard for you?
A: Yes, there are days where I still can't seem to find the strength to want to get out of bed or to go out and hang out with friends. There are times that I feel so alone even if I am near someone. There are times that I feel like I will never get out of this black hole, but I get out. It takes time, but there are just random days where I just wake up and know my depression is worse than the day before. But, I always find that it never fails to be worse when something bad happens, or something out of my control happens, or certain days of the year that have a sad memory attached to it. But most of the time, I never really know if I will feel well the next day. Depression is a bomb, always there, always stressful. And then it just blows up, and you're hurt for a while. More than normal, more than you used to. But like I said previously, I decided that I will never let my depression win again.
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Depression is such a nasty illness. It can make you feel so small and inadequate. Living through is possible. Inspiring stories like my friend's story exist. I hope that this article can give you some peace and feel powerful. You are loved.
