Schizophrenia: Some have heard of it, whether it was through a horror movie, a research study or in a science class at some point in their lives. But do average people understand what it is and how it affects people? It's rare that anyone does. As a student who has had schizophrenia affect my entire life in some bigger and smaller ways, let me be the one to introduce you.
Schizophrenia Affects Your Memory
Ever had a brief moment where you've forgotten something you just did? Or maybe you've went into a room to get something and forgotten what you left to get? Imagine having this type of forgetfulness constantly. Imagine having a conversation with someone and forgetting what you were saying mid-sentence or forgetting what someone had just told you. In class, many times I would forget an answer to a question as I was answering it or forget a sentence I was introducing a presentation with. Though these moments range from harmless to, at worst, mildly embarrassing, it surely doesn't make daily living any easier.
Schizophrenia Affects Your Attention
I'm sure everyone has had their fair share of distractions when it comes to paying attention during class. Similar to ADHD, schizophrenia takes the mind away from important topics and discussions in class without you even realizing it until you've missed a minute of important notes, or the board has writing on it you didn't notice. Sometimes my mind gets hooked on a word that leads into a thought, into another thought, into more thoughts...and then I realize I'm lost and have find my way back to reality.
This issue isn't exclusive to class either. It's common that I speak to friends and accidentally lose my attention because I get hooked on some word they said, and I miss the rest of what they had to say. On occasion, the thoughts some words lead me to are intrusive and graphically terrible, but there isn't much I can do except grin and bear it until they leave my mind. Though schizophrenia interferes with my attention, getting familiar with my mind in a state of lost attention helps me return my thoughts to their status quo.
Schizophrenia Affects Your Sense of Self
Everyone's sense of self is something that they should keep close to them and cherish; it's part of who you are, after all. For me, I may see my life as important as anybody else's one moment, and be having suicidal thoughts the next. I know this is an issue with many mental disorders as well, and it isn't easy for the lot of us. In my experience as a schizophrenic, at least, having these thoughts essentially puts who you are in a disposable, replaceable position and falsifies any previous notions of care from other people. Some friendly people that may not be as close to me are even assumed to be disingenuous about any kind of care they may have for me while in this state. It's truly a tough position to be in when your only cure available is waiting until you feel better and relying on very close friends, or, better yet, getting professional help.
Schizophrenia Affects Your Physical Senses
"Kody," I'll hear someone say, or even shout, but it's every so often I'll notice there's nobody around to say it. The voices in my head don't stop at this, though, there are also times I might hear a clamour of them, as if shouts are coming from all sides. Perhaps before I fall asleep I'll hear a bee buzzing inside of my head and be up for hours hoping it leaves (or in my case before I was diagnosed, hitting the sides of my head, clawing at my ear and covering both ears before falling asleep out of exhaustion). I very distinctly remember it was this type of effect schizophrenia had that pushed me to get treatment because these signs were the most telling something was wrong. I'd borne the other symptoms until not very long ago in my life when I had woken up to screams in my head and thought, "I think it's time."
What I hear isn't the only effect schizophrenia has, though. All of my other senses are affected by it, as well. In one instance, I've had apples that tasted like oranges randomly and asked friends to see if they tasted anything weird too, but it was just any old apple to them. In others, I've seen pupil-less eyes on my room's walls and mistaken green lights for red lights. Further still, I've felt my bugs under my skin or in my mouth while eating foods of certain textures. Due to this odd mind-body relationship, unlike any average person, I can actually tickle myself too. Being through experiences like these have really shrunk how much enjoyment I get out of horror movies, that's for sure. These are only some of the strange physical reactions I've been through as a schizophrenic, but at least for me, knowing that I have this disorder has helped me in realizing these tricks aren't real.
Schizophrenia Affects Your Relationships
It seems like most people nowadays assume "relationships" to mean romantic or sexual kinds, but I mean interacting with anyone in general in this instance. Though only once in a while, I'll get a sense of paranoia from unfamiliar people, or even hear their words as derogatory towards me specifically. I'll get the feeling that they are extremely critical of me and become incredibly and unnecessarily anxious. It's difficult to shake this anxiety, but it has trained me to shrug off any nonconstructive comments made about me.
It May Affect Me, But It Doesn't Define Me!
Schizophrenia has been a part of my entire life, but I try my best to overcome the shortcomings it brings every day. Learning more about the disorder through books and other mediums has taught me about issues I should be conscious of now and in the future. The future may worsen some symptoms due to age, but I have the confidence that I will overcome schizophrenia and do what I love despite any problems it will bring just as I have been doing through high school and right now. The fight with schizophrenia never stops, but I'll never stop keeping up with it through the rest of college and my life!
