Appalachian State student, Scott Hunter, froze to death while trying to win some girl’s heart from her dorm window by standing outside the residence hall attempting to recreate this scene from the hit 80s romance, Say Anything, with the OG of sad, heartfelt, and mostly cheesy movies, John Cusack:

What Scott could not get through his thick skull, and this was during the enveloping frostbite on his fingers, was that he was out in the middle of a Appalachian blizzard in the middle of Valentine’s Day night.

As soon as Peter Gabriel’s voice hit the chorus of In Your Eyes, Hunter passed out and his entire body went numb because of the -30 degree windchill that was abusing his body for almost a whole minute. An abuse so gruesome the University of Tennessee had to cover it up.

Hunter’s crush, Ashley Davidson, ran down immediately after being thoroughly creeped out by Hunter’s cliche attempt at romance and seeing him fail miserably in the process. Funny thing is, Ashley did not even know Hunter’s name until this whole ordeal. She said, and I quote, “Hunter is one of those kids that just immediately gives you the creeps for no reason whatsoever. Like people who go see movies by themselves, or a soccer mom who glares at referees.”

Personally, after speaking with Hunter in the hospital I had the urge to just punch him square in the teeth, and I really do not know why. He was just so…. so…. actually, yea he was just minding his own business, but I swear he was asking for a fist.

Hunter said after awaking from his frostbitten coma, “I love Ashley and I am so sorry I had to make this embarrassing situation public for her. I was just so nervous to talk to her that I thought I would just go big or go home and pull a Cusack.” Immediately I stopped him right there and told Hunter to never say the phrase “pull a Cusack” for as long as his dimwitted brain should live.

Unless, this was late 80's then by all means. But, when Cusack’s best movie in the last few years is Hot Tub Time Machine then that phrase is just as unacceptable as a grown man going to the movies by himself. Seriously, it creeps me out…

Ashley came to visit Scott in the hospital after he awoke out of the goodness of her guilt ridden heart. But, really she found out Scott’s family had loads of stock in Google. As Scott opened his eyes and saw Ashley’s fluorescently illuminated green-ish eyes and flat blonde hair fresh from volleyball practice, he cried uncontrollably until Ashley started assaulting Hunter with an unnecessary amount of inappropriate questions for an eighteen year old that just came out of a coma. Like, “Why didn’t you even wear Cusack’s brown trench coat?” or “You know it’s not cool when you play the song off your iPhone and not a boombox right?”

Today, Hunter lives in exile day in and day out looking out his window for a glimpse of Ashley out on campus. So, if you are ever down in the dumps of a love, especially since it’s post-Valentine’s Day, just remember… Grown men in movie theaters alone… are gross.

*Note this article is completely satirical. Nothing should be taken literally.