I had it better than most growing up but that doesn’t mean I didn’t face challenges. Yes, I always had food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in. I always got what I wanted for Christmas and I attended private high school. But everyone struggles with something, and how you grow up forms who you are going to be. Whether you let your environment break you or become who you are in spite of it, your childhood shapes you. My childhood wasn’t easy and it has shaped me into the person I am today.

I was a fat kid. Not in the way that a little kid gets kinda chubby before they hit their next growth spurt, but most of my life I was really overweight. What I experienced as a result of being overweight formed a good majority of who I am now.

I have severe social anxiety and I’ve dealt with it since elementary school without knowing that it had a name. There are various factors that have molded my specific social anxiety but I attribute it most to how I was treated because of my weight. The first memory I have of that treatment is being in second grade and showing up to school in new denim shorts.

As I confidently walked past a group of fifth-graders they pointed and laughed at how “fat” I was and it completely destroyed me. Now just over a decade later, when I am alone and feeling vulnerable and am faced with a group of unfamiliar people laughing nearby, I feel like they’re laughing at me. I know this sounds extremely narcissistic and irrational and I even say to myself, ‘You are being absolutely ridiculous, they do not give a damn about you.’ But my rational mind never wins that argument.

I can recollect instances in middle school of being called “fat ass” and “thunder thighs,” being asked by a relative, “Do you really need to eat that?” and being told that I’d never look like everyone else. These things are why I struggle to connect with new people, why I break out in hives and tear up when I’m forced to engage in public speaking, why some days I’m so scared to be judged that I don’t want to leave my room and why I sometimes can’t even eat in front of anyone that isn’t my boyfriend.

Physically, now I’m healthy but I definitely skip the gym more than I should. I’m what some might label as curvy but not in the way that’s so trendy right now. I do not have a six pack to go along with my big butt. When I look in the mirror, I see every stretch mark, every inch of cellulite, and every jiggly bit that could stand to be toned. I will always struggle to see who I am now and not the overweight middle schooler that was made fun of.

To many people who know and love me, I am a completely different person now, but there are days when I don’t feel a bit different and I retreat to the farthest corners of my mind. Regardless I try to have a sense of humor, because my fat rolls are not going to stop me from enjoying my pizza rolls.

I am so happy for anyone who hasn’t experienced any bullying or anxiety in their lives, but those people should still be aware of it, and be respectful of it, along with any other struggles people face. It’s impossible to look at someone and know what they’ve gone through in their life. This is just a small reminder that everyone has their own baggage and we could all be a little more understanding.