So, you think you’re a straight, white, 20-something male, huh? Think again! You may exhibit one or more of the aforementioned attributes (straightness, whiteness, etc.) but to truly be a straight, white, 20-something male, you have to follow a strict code of behavior. Thankfully, I’m here to walk you through your transformation. Here’s everything you’ll need to become a straight white 20-something male!
- Flannel shirts (3) and Jeans (3).
- A Pearl Jam Album
- Carry an acoustic guitar everywhere.
- A mastery of the phrase “But not all guys do that!”
- Pabst Blue Ribbon.
- "Fight Club."
As a straight, white, 20-something male, you can choose from three different flannel shirts and three different jeans. These are the only clothes you may ever wear ever again (at least until you become 30.) Note that the color, texture, or pattern on the flannel shirts is left up to you—all that is required is that it be a button down that’s perhaps a size too big, and that you never, ever, under any circumstances, tuck it into your jeans. Ever.
Now, this is a little more loose. If a Pearl Jam album is not readily available, you can replace it with a surrogate, such as “Nevermind” by Nirvana, “The Dark Side of the Moon,” by Pink Floyd, or “The Best of the Doors.” But Pearl Jam is preferable. Once you’ve picked your one album, congratulations! You may never listen to any other music, ever. If you accidentally hear another song, grunt with distaste and roll your eyes. Call whatever song is playing "cheap sh*t from sellouts," and refuse to speak to anyone who feels anything but seething rage towards Taylor Swift. However, you have to pretend that you have a vast knowledge of music and listen to a whole bunch of albums. This requires you to constantly be making up names for trendy alt-rock bands, Swedish black-metal groups, and indie grunge albums. Allow me to suggest a few names: “Kony and the Invisible Children,” “Kicking a Badger,” “God Hates my Fedora,” “Scream!ng at my Mom,” “Unhinged Rib,” or—my personal favorite—“Pizza Rolls of Death.” Loudly proclaim that you love these bands, knowing full well that your friends will never look them up in a million years.
Job interviews. Parties. Bed with your girlfriend (she goes to another school—you wouldn’t know her). What do these three things have in common? They’re all great places for you to whip out your acoustic guitar and show everyone how utterly devoid of musical ability you are. From sh*tty covers of "Wonderwall" to clunky and awkward originals, you have so much sh*t you need to be spraying at strangers, 24/7... and you need an acoustic guitar to pull it all off.
This one, though, is crucial: whenever someone else ever mentions any sort of legitimate problem, immediately tense up and declare, “But not all guys/white people/straight guys/other are like that!” Refuse to acknowledge that at any point in history, straight white men have been culpable for anything bad, ever. If challenged, tell a gripping personal story about how once you had to give up your seat for a pregnant lady, so therefore, sexism doesn’t exist. If anyone tries to claim racism is real, look as though they are showing you an irregular mole on their anus.
Like the taste of water? Too damn bad. The only thing you can ever drink ever is Pabst Blue Ribbon. Not good beer, no way, only sh*tty beer that tastes like moose urine. While drinking it, be sure to say douchey things, such as, “Truly brings out a subtle flavor in these Cheetos!” or “I tip my fedora to whoever brewed this!”
Masturbate to this film every night. No exceptions.
Do all these things already? Congratulations! You’re a straight, white, 20-something male! Continue to engage in this behavior until you’re 30, and your dad makes you VP of his company.
