This week, millions of Americans in the States will gather around their long, extravagantly decorated tables to celebrate a very important holiday. Thanksgiving. There will likely be turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, green beans, and every kind of pie a person could ever dream of. Some might say grace before dinner, thanking God for the bounty of both food and family. Others may crowd the television to watch the big game with drinks in hand and recliners reclined. Still others might decide to go to a local church or homeless shelter to serve others who don't have the privilege of a full table. This Thursday is the warm up to the most wonderful time of the year.
But, if we are all being honest here, we know that Thanksgiving isn't really the most important holiday the United States celebrates in November. It's Black Friday.
In recent years, stores have started Black Friday week, offering major slashes in prices starting Monday of Thanksgiving week. Some places celebrate the month of Black November, hosting promotion after promotion to give their customers the best deal ever. On the day of Black Friday itself, stores open long before the rooster crows and there are already long snaking lines of people just itching to buy, buy, buy.
People plan their Black Friday routes; the list of stores they plan to hit and at what times so as to get the absolute most out of their Black Friday shopping. Others take tents and plan to camp out at one store in particular all day, hunting and snatching up to their hearts galore. People set alarm after alarm to ensure that they will be very first in line at their favorite stores. Black Friday deal hunting has become the United State's brand new favorite sport.
Which is why this year, I propose that we just skip Thanksgiving all together so as to make the most out of the truly most important November holiday.
Instead of teaching kids in school about interracial acceptance and unity, we could tell them to disregard the well-being of others and only think about what they want. We could get rid of Tom Turkey and have Dollar Dan and Cindy Cent, the leaders in saving them money.
We should stop being thankful for what we already have, because what we already have is totally last year. It's old, so like, is it even worth anything now? We need to stop celebrating our families, because we see enough of them throughout the rest of the year anyway and let's be honest... Does anyone actually like seeing every single one of your great aunts and uncles and cousins from your mom's side who are twenty years older than you and have children and jobs? (Probably not.)
I say, in 2016, we scrap the decades old tradition of giving thanks for another year of life. It's utterly useless in today's modern, consumer world. We have medicines and doctors and organic foods and fitness plans and protein shakes to make us healthier, so, it's a basic fact that we are going to live until 80 or 90.
So, stop being thankful, people of the United States. it's ruining our Black Friday fun.
