Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl … the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. — Amy Dunne from Gillian Flynn’s "Gone Girl"

In addition to blurry-lined relationships and frequent one-night stands, the college hook-up culture has also produced a generation of nonchalant women known as “cool girls.” As the character Amy Dunne from Gillian Flynn’s bestselling novel "Gone Girl" describes perfectly, the cool girl is the girl who is carefree, fun and, " ... above all, hot” because she essentially fulfills all of the wants and desires of a man while completely disregarding her own. The “cool girl” does not only include girls who like football and beer (and hey — there are some girls out there who truly do enjoy these two things), but it instead depicts a girl who is pretending.

The cool girl is the girl who has learned to shut off her emotions, to not ask for what she actually wants (a real relationship or boyfriend, an actual date, texts that occur before the midnight to 2 a.m. time range), the girl who has changed her true self to gain the affection of one man who doesn’t seem to care that much about her anyway. Being a cool girl is dangerous. Maybe you were, or currently are, a cool girl. There was a brief period when I was a cool girl, pretending to not want a relationship in the hopes that doing so would inevitably lead to a relationship (shocker, it didn’t work). What I can say from watching other girls pretend to be cool girls, and from my own brief stint as a cool girl, is that doing so is detrimental to yourself, the person you’re with and your future relationships.

Here are four reasons why being the “cool girl” is really not so cool at all:

1. Because it’s not really you.
As Amy Dunne describes, the cool girl act is just that: an act. You’re pretending to be someone you’re not. Not only is this tiring, but it also means that the guy you’re with is dating the girl he thinks you are, not your real self. One of the worst feelings (in my opinion) is the realization that someone important to you, especially someone you like or love deeply, does not truly know you. It leaves you feeling hollow and most of all, lonely. Sometimes girls use the façade of the cool girl because they are insecure or don’t want to appear too demanding, high-strung or needy. But if you’re in a relationship with someone who likes you for the person you’re pretending to be, then it’s not a true relationship. Also, do you really want to spend your time doing things you hate and acting like someone you really don’t want to be simply to keep a guy? Of course, all relationships involve compromises, which sometimes mean you should things you don’t necessarily enjoy, but in good relationships both parties are aware of their partner’s real interests and hobbies, and both parties participate in the compromise (i.e., you agree to watching football once a week, and he agrees to watch the chick flick you picked out). But if you’re consistently watching hours of football and shoving beer and cheeseburgers down your throat to appear cool while missing out on your beloved Real Housewives marathon and Pinot Grigio, then you may be compromising yourself a little too much.

2. Because you’re hurting yourself.
During my time as a cool girl, I thought that I could somehow protect myself from getting hurt by acting like I didn’t really care about having a real relationship or being treated right. I acted as if I didn’t have any real emotions, which was completely false. By pretending to not have any real feelings or expectations, I basically allowed a guy to treat me like sh*t. Because I said I didn’t want a relationship, the guy I was with treated me like a girl who didn’t deserve one, which meant texts only at midnight or later and avoidance during daylight hours, as well as a complete avoidance of actual, meaningful conversation.

Basically, if you say you don’t care, a guy will match his behavior to your words. I also think that oftentimes women will disregard their own value in order to maintain a relationship that they know, deep down, is going nowhere. By being passive and not asking for better treatment, you provide an easy and comfortable environment for certain guys to continue their bad behavior. Yes, by being more assertive and asking for better treatment and relationship clarification, some guys may peg you as “needy,” “annoying” and even “crazy,” but these are not the type of guys that you want to date anyway. There is nothing wrong with speaking up about your feelings and needs in a relationship — this is entirely normal, healthy human behavior. Realizing your worth and stepping away from a bad relationship that does not fulfill your needs may seem scary at first because there is the possibility of ending up alone, but in the end, such an action will lead you to a more beneficial, healthy relationship.

3. Because you’re hurting the person you’re with.
Not only do your hurt yourself by pretending to be the cool girl, you also hurt someone who could potentially treat you right. By immediately acting like a cool girl by taking on a careless attitude and avoiding commitment talk, and maybe even flirting or hooking up with other guys (because jealousy doesn’t exist!), you may wind up hurting someone who actually does want to care for you. Shutting off your true personality and emotions also shuts off your chance of getting to know someone who is worthwhile.

4. Because you won’t get a real relationship this way.
The cool girl — the girl who does not care, who has no relationship expectations, who is not looking for commitment and will not care if the guy she is with hooks up with someone else — this girl is a fantasy. Women and men alike want to be treated with respect and want to find someone who they can truly connect with on a deeper level — someone who will love them for all of their likes and dislikes, their quirks and annoying habits. A genuine relationship is one formed from truly getting to know someone, not from molding yourself into the person you think your significant other would like. By taking on the role of the cool girl, you rob yourself of the chance of acquiring a real relationship. It’s true that being the more outspoken girl may scare away some guys who prefer to date cool girls because it’s easier for them, but that’s actually a good thing. By shedding your fake cool girl persona, you may scare some guys away, but in doing so you also make more room for emotionally mature, commitment-ready men.