October 22nd, 2019: 11:30 AM, 57 Degrees Fahrenheit, Cloudy.

I don't exactly know what I'm writing or what I'm exactly trying to achieve. Maybe I don't have an end-goal? Please note this is nothing malicious, I'm not out to get anyone, these are my absolute thoughts, observations, realizations; advice if you will. I guess this past year has been the year of self discovery and realization; ironic because we're only in October, people tend to write these things towards the end of the year. It's been an interesting one to say the least, the year of new jobs, tattoos, new emotions, school revelations. Please believe me when I say, I'm not trying to be sappy here, I want to give an insight on what has happened thus far, in hopes to shed a light on issues someone else feels pressed about (maybe this is my end-goal?).

Well let's start from the beginning, or the end of high school I should say. It was that time of year again for the upcoming seniors, the dreaded college application process. I can't say myself that I struggled with this process. I had written my college essay as they call it, well in advance. I was ready to move into the next chapter of my life. I should mention that my original intentions were to pursue a musical theatre career path, I was attending a performing arts high school, gathering new material, prepping my auditions. Theatre has been a part of me, well for roughly 8-9 years (I'm estimating, please don't quote me). It was all I ever wanted to do much like other musical theatre kids pursuing the same career. I want to say this was the first round of self doubt that came along and I had it in my own head that I wasn't good enough, and no school was ever going to accept me, no one ever wanted a student with a below average SAT grade. I applied to some pretty top notch schools however I had missed my chance to audition and there musical theatre went out the window. For anyone who may be a theatre kid, I want to include a list of schools I applied too, even if you aren't a theatre kid and you live on Long Island, or in New York, you might want to consider some of these. In no particular order, Suffolk Community College, Stony Brook University, Marymount Manhattan College, Fordham University, Molloy College, Long Island University (C.W. Post Campus), St. Joseph's College. While I knew it was too late to even audition for the deemed "Musical Theatre" colleges, I randomly conjured up in my head that I was fit to go into nursing (Boy was I wrong).

I don't exactly want to spend too much longer on this topic, but long story short, I went to a community college, even though I was accepted into all colleges listed but two. Unfortunately even after scholarships, it was too much of a burden in regards to money. If you're in the same predicament read on. I have absolutely no shame in it whatsoever that I attended a community college; in fact, I'm almost glad I did. I strongly believe that my first college experience was what it was made to be, and its eye-opening to the world of possibilities thats out there for me. (Side note: I will be spending one more semester at my community college, studying abroad in Romania, Summer 2020. After that I hope to be back on track for Musical theatre at another college in the Fall of 2020.)

I guess the next real "monumental moment" in my life happened to be coming out to my mom. If any of you out there struggling with this are reading this, please know it gets better, there's always someone around to help guide you and talk to you about what you're feeling. Don't be naive to that, and don't block out the people who love you and support you the most, because your own mind tells you "No.", you're far superior than that. I had a Geometry teacher in high school, and she's probably reading this right now. Well, I originally thought she hated me, like all jokes aside hated me. I was also a pain in the ass in her class, so rightfully so. If I tell you, she was my therapist, dear Lord she was my therapist. I mean everyday I had something new to complain about, wether it was some bullshit about school, how much work I had to do or how I just wanted to go home, she always seemed to have the answers. I remember going to my second school (the performing arts school), and my chest just felt so heavy, I knew that the time was coming that I had to come out, I just really didn't know when it was going to happen. I was dealing with other predicaments at the time too, I was involved with a production on Long Island, and I was always out late, coming home late, and my parents just couldn't figure out why. Only I knew of course, and I don't want to even implement that portion into whatever this is just for privacy reasons, so I apologize if you were expecting some boiling tea, you wont be getting it from me today.

Sorry for getting side tracked, back to the heavy chest situation. I was just wasn't feeling like myself at all, and I knew it was time. I had talked to my geometry teacher, and asked if she could help me through this. I got back my regular school, and sat down in her room and literally just burst into tears. I haven't cried like that probably since I came out of the womb (sorry for trying to make this funny, I'm just trying to suppress tears as I'm writing this). But you get the general idea, I made the phone call and I was literally dreading my life. I don't even think I was audible during the conversation. To make it short and sweet, I did it. I came out. It was the most anxiety driven coming out, tears, snot and all (gross, oh well). I can honestly say that after all of it, I'm a stronger person today. I overcame the biggest mountain of all, and if any of you are gay, you know what I'm talking about. People tend to say "It's like the weight of the world is off my shoulders" and yet it's so true and so real. Utter freedom. Please, anyone who is going through this please seek someone who is there for you and understands you and your principles and morals, because you can, and will get through this. Family member, friend, geometry teacher, theatre teacher, therapist. I accredit much of my success so far in life to my geometry teacher, if it wasn't for her I truly don't feel I would've made it out of high school. Even today, I'm constantly in touch and every single time she never fails to help me in anything I'm experiencing. Help you help yourself. You'll feel a worlds difference once you do.

I don't want to bore you any longer with reading too much more, but the last thing I have to speak about is mental health. I can't say that I have been clinically diagnosed with anything specific, but I am human, and I have emotions that are imminent and are valid, just like yours are too. If you know someone that suffers or is going through it, please, please, please, be there for them, as hard of a job as it may seem. Help them seek help when you can no longer do something about it, refer them to those who have the credentials to help that you don't. Do not bottle up your emotions and expect them to go away on their own, we all feel things at different capacities. Do not let mental illnesses and feelings control you, you have the will power to concede. I wish I had more to say about this, my mind is racing and I'm struggling to put words to thought right now. Be the help that someone needs when they cannot recognize it for themselves. Help yourself too. Be a little selfish sometimes, and remember where you started and where you're aiming to go. Plan ahead, but not so far that you predict things that you don't know are true. Be aware of yourself and your surroundings, you control you. Mental illness doesn't define you, it does not make you a bad person, it does not consume you. You have all the will power inside you to overcome any obstacle and anything you deem as difficult.

Best

Steven Press