As I’ve only been a server for about a month, it is possible that I might be missing a few vital steps. However, in order to do a decent job of treating your server like crap, here’s the beginners guide.
1. Brushing off our attempts to be polite and friendly with you.
When your server comes by to say hello and ask how you’re doing, please do respond with “Diet Coke” without looking up from your menu. That way you can set the tone of how awful you’ll be.
2. Ordering off the menu.
When your server gets back make sure to start ordering before they’ve handed out the drinks or have a pen and pad in hand. Make sure the order is complicated (lots of stuff on the side and no onions even though the meal already doesn’t have onions). If the menu says no substitutions then demand substitutions.
3. Using the "check up" as an opportunity to complain about things out of your server's control.
When the server comes by to ask how everything is, you have to complain. A lot. About stuff they can’t control. The temperature, the volume of the music, the lighting, other customers, or that your favorite show isn’t playing on the TV. These are all top notch things to complain about. Your server will apologize, but ignore that. Bonus: When your server checks again say, “Just, waiting on our food.” Being passive aggressive is key.
4. Waving down your server when your server is clearly busy.
Wait until your server has two or three more tables. When they walk by, shake your empty drink at them. Bonus: Ask other servers for things when they’re busy too, so they will immediately forget and you can take it out on your server.
5. Looking for something to complain about.
Now that you have the food and it doesn’t seem like there is spit in it. Start complaining immediately. “This is too much food” is a good start because you’ll look ungrateful. As soon as you get the hot plate, take a giant bite and burn your mouth. Take it out on the server.
6. Making a scene when you've found something to complain about.
The food isn’t to your standards. Your server looks even busier than before, so stop them and explain to them for eight minutes that it doesn’t taste great. Then, the coup de grace, ask to see the manager.
7. Leaving in the most difficult manner possible.
Ask for like twelve to go boxes for every individual thing left your plates. Also to go drinks. For everyone. Ask if there is complimentary desserts and when you get them say they’re not good. Wait for your server to give you the check then hand them an expired coupon. When they won’t take it ask for a manager.
8. Leaving out of nowhere.
Even though the manager still gave you the discount, say you’re not coming back. Leave a fourth of the to-go boxes on the table, and ninety percent of your uneaten food on the floor and seats.
Bonus: Don’t. Leave. A. Tip.
Extra Bonus: Come back even though you said you wouldn’t and repeat steps one through eight.
