I've been drinking caffeinated drinks since I was six years old. Nothing too bad, just a cup of green tea every few days. By middle school, I had to drink two thermoses of tea every day just to stay awake. My best friend at the time noticed and told me I should stop drinking so much caffeine; I retaliated by making a Facebook page titled "Caffeine for a Better and More Awake Tomorrow."
Honestly, is that not the most cringe-worthy thing you've ever seen? Not only did I legitimately make this page and post statuses, I liked by own updates. Dear 13-year-old me, please stay off the internet.
Anyway, my caffeine addiction progressed until I was drinking two energy drinks a day. My coach finally told me that I wouldn't be able to compete unless I stopped, and the first month after stopping drinking cold-turkey was filled with panic attacks and pretty much mental death.
But no one wants to hear how bad caffeine is for you. So now that you've been warned that caffeine is addictive and hard to stop drinking, I won't feel bad telling you (using Wikihow illustrations of "How to Quit Caffeine") how to drink it so regularly that you never have to sleep.
Step 1: Buy a thermos
Let me tell you, coffee costs a lot. So if you can buy a thermos and fill it with free coffee at Bruff or at the Dean's office, you're well on your way to being able to maintain a healthy addiction.
Step 2: Set a schedule
Make sure you're never itching to get your next fix! If you go too long, you might crash. I recommend starting with a good two to three cups in the morning, then make sure you drink 64 o.z. of black coffee every day. If you drink a bunch of coffee, you'll never have to drink water again.
Step 3: Do the opposite of what you do on a night out
You know all those tips we learned to make sure you don't die of alcohol abuse? Yeah, throw those out. You want to be able to suck the caffeine into your bloodstream as quickly as possible.
Step 4: Drink black coffee
Anyone who can't drink black coffee is weak. You know what could take the place of the copious amount of milk and sugar that some people put in their drinks? More coffee. This is essentially a hard-core diet; you gotta be able to commit.
Step 5: Never stop
Once you've followed all these steps, you'll be a successful addict. You'll feel like crap every day and you'll never sleep, but trust me, it feels worse is you decide to kick your addiction. Here's the truth: no one cares if you're healthy as long as you're getting work done. You can get straight A's, have a social life, and still have hobbies as long as you get rid of the unhealthy amount of time you sleep.
Now you've been given all the tools you need to develop a sustainable addiction. Happy drinking!
