Whoever invented the single-ply-thinner-than-tissues toilet paper has nearly destroyed the self-confidence of those too cheap to buy the cushier TP of the Charmin Ultra variety. Starting a new roll of toilet paper requires the determination and finesse that usually accompanies cooking the perfect gourmet dinner or performing in "The Nutcracker." It’s a common enough household task, but we’re all (or at least, I am) riddled with anxiety when it’s our turn to do it. It's really more of a battle than a typical chore, and it threatens the sense of capability we humans hold so dear.
Walking into the bathroom, you see the empty roll on the holder and sigh. Squaring your shoulders, you prepare for the daunting quest ahead of you. You insert the new roll, and turn it until you find that raggedy edge, barely discernible from the rest. Now you have found that elusive edge, the starting piece. It’s all downhill from here right?
Wrong.
Now comes the actual challenge that will make or break you. Gently and slowly, you lift this raggedy edge and attempt to separate it from the rest of the paper. It’s a delicate operation that surgeons have yet to perfect. Just when you thought you had it, only a sliver tears from its adhesive, initiating a process more akin to shredding office papers than starting a TP roll.
Desperately, you peel off piece by piece of that opening edge in an attempt to even out the shredded sections and bring the roll back to equilibrium. But it's just not working. You keep trying until you end up with something like this:
Or this:
And then you feel like this:
You dismally gather your scraps and maybe a few full squares for your ablutions, disposing of the evidence of your efforts. You leave behind the seemingly wholesome, innocent, and flawless roll of toilet paper for the next user.
With the peace of your morning bathroom activities ruined, you return to your day, disheartened and unappreciated. Beaten by toilet paper. I hope we can take solace in the fact that many of us have faced this struggle, and that we should blame poor engineering rather than ourselves for having to claw apart the first layers of toilet paper before we can use it—at least that’s what I do.
