Let me guess: you didn't get your tickets for "Star Wars" fast enough, and now you're seriously contemplating staying off the Internet for a few days until you're able to see it. Fear not, True Believer! (They're both owned by Disney now, so get over it.) I am here with the only true spoiler-free review of "Star Wars."
OK, so it takes place in a galax--
Alright, so the film starts in a place that you've never been to before, at some undisclosed point in the past. Based on previous films, a lot of words will probably travel in some direction across the screen after discovering the above information, and then you'll see a spacesh--
Uh, something similar to but not quite a space shuttle enters the screen. People are probably going to talk to each other for a little bit, about the weather, maybe sports, the For--
I mean, a type of ideology that can be manifested as a mystical for--
They're magicians.
Anyway, the magicians live in a climate zone that exists on this Earth, and they sometimes shoot guns at things. But that's not all. They also have these things called lightsab--
OK, so they're like swords, but they're not exactly swords because swords don't go "Ffffkrrrrshhzzzwooooom..woom..woooom..."
Right, so like any movie, there are good guys and bad guys, and they don't always get along. The good magicians carry around the green and blue colored sword things, and they're called the J--
Hmmm.
Take the name of a Republican presidential candidate, and then flip the last letter of his name over the Y axis, and add a part of your body at the end. Now say those two things together quickly. Got it?
And the bad magicians are the S--
Ugh.
OK, it's an action that you're probably doing right now, and then add the eighth letter of the alphabet after that action. (Hint: It's not "layh.")
On top of all this, you have these robots that can either talk or not talk, and they assist both the good magicians and the bad magicians. Kind of like the robots in the real world. This is where the movie connects to the average audience member.
Great, so we have these two groups of magicians that really don't like each other, and they use their swords to deal with their problems. They fly around in their space shuttle like things zapping other things with the help of robots in climate zones that exist much like ours do today, except these people are in a place you've never been before at an undisclosed point in the past.
Oh yeah, and Darth Vader is Luke's father.
10/10.
Now go out and enjoy the movie and may the for--
Seriously, go see it.
