Study abroad post-depression is real. Trust me.
This summer, I had the wonderful opportunity to study in Jeonju for 7 weeks in the land of delicious kimchi jjigae, beautiful hanbok and the most amazing people. My experience was indeed life-changing: from knowing no Korean at all in May to being able to carry on casual Korean conversations today, whether it's with my NSLIY friends or my host family, was a feat I could never imagine. With over 1000 new photos in my camera roll and an overwhelming wave of new memories in my head, it's safe to say I had a great time.
But here comes the hard part: returning to the States.
As I write this essay exactly one month after enduring the grueling 27 hour-route back to Georgia, I still find myself missing Korea every day. Although I have grown better at coping, I am still not completely over my experience, and if you ask any other study abroad student, you might find them saying the same thing.
Thus, I allow you a glimpse of my mind as I ever-so-slowly make my way through the 5 stages of post study abroad depression.
1. Denial
To the last time I ate dinner with my host family and the final close of the graduation ceremony, I still had not registered that I would be hopping on a bus the next morning at 5 AM on the way to Incheon Airport. Still surrounded with my friends, the following plane ride seemed bearable as I scrolled through my camera roll, crafting my final week of vlogs. However, as I plopped into my ever-so-soft bed in my room that had been undisturbed for a month, I was in denial.
No, I wasn't home. I wasn't away from my host family, my teachers, my tutors and my friends. I wasn't was still attuned to Korean time and everywhere I looked, I expected to hear the familiar chatter of Korean. But in my room at 4 AM, there was nothing but silence.
2. Disbelief
The next week was heart wrenching. With the multitude of Instagram posts by all my friends, we seemed more connected than ever, my phone pinging every three seconds with a new message or a new video chat. Furthermore, my host family had kept in touch, occasionally checking in to make sure I was okay, whether I was eating well or getting enough sleep.
It wasn't until a Saturday, when my parents were both at work when the disbelief hit me like a train wreck. For the first time in 7 weeks, I was eating dinner by myself, sulking in the silence of my house. In Korea, every day, I either spent dinner with my host family, chatting over a bowl of dakbokkeumtang, or my friends, slurping patbingsu at the nearby SulBing. Eating by myself for the first time, I felt alone, missing everyone more than ever.
3. Bargaining
After another week of disbelief, I felt as if I had to go back to Korea soon, whether it was now, tomorrow, a week or even a year later. Thus, I scoured the internet for more scholarships and opportunities in which I could study Korean once again. My friends planned to have a reunion party and my tutors hyped up our return.
It seemed as if I was constantly debating with myself. If I don't buy a MacBook for college, perhaps I could buy a plane ticket back to Seoul. Maybe I can go in college in Korea. How about taking a gap year? Maybe there is a standby ticket at the airport right now!
At this point, I had completely neglected to focus on my college apps, for which deadlines were beginning to loom. I had lost focus and am still struggling to completely gather myself together right now.
4. Intense Gratitude
Perhaps about 3 weeks in, I finally managed to get over my grieving and put things into perspective. Without NSLIY, I would have never had this experience in the first place. Without the hard work of my teachers and tutors, I would have never been able to make such language gains, however hard that may have been. I still cringe at the many late nights spent working on homework. Without my new friends, I would never have all these new photos and memories to cherish with people from all across America. And finally, without my host family, I probably would not be writing this piece right now. The places they took me, the many conversations we shared and the many connections we fostered were the best parts of my experience in Korea. I truly believe that they had the greatest impact on my passion to learn more about Korean culture and possibly pursue a career in relation with this country.
5. Acceptance
While I may not have reached this stage yet, one day, I hope to be able to accept this experience as a start to a new journey in my life, perhaps even the opening of a new chapter. While this experience with NSLIY may have come to an end, it does not have to mark an end to my language studies or my experiences with the new friends I made.
Who knows what's in store for me in the future? Perhaps an academic year with NSLIY? CLS?
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
