Satire: Why I'm Joining Trump's Space Force
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I'm Quitting Writing To Join Trump's Space Force

I, for one, believe we should fear the unknown and the different, just as the Republican Party under Trump has highlighted.

I'm Quitting Writing To Join Trump's Space Force

To whom it may concern,

In life, as it is throughout history, men and women far greater than I have been called towards a greater purpose. These earthly bounds are beyond me now, as they have been for a select few since time immemorial. Now I stand, ready to make the leap into the unknown, to galaxies yet unknown, to explore and conquer.

Today, I am quitting writing to join the Space Force, our sixth and newest branch of the military. I feel it is my duty to serve not only my country, but my planet as well - to defend the human race (or perhaps just the United States because we're not really getting along with everyone right now) from forces not of this here planet.

Our enemies are numerous, President Donald Trump sees it and so do I. If we do not add the necessary $8 billion to our already immense and bloated military budget, who will defend us from the extra-terrestrial forces of evil? We know what's out there, we've all seen the documentaries. Our universe is vast and plagued by the likes of Sith Lords, alien armies bent on destroying Manhattan, mad alien gods with magic gloves. Who could forget when an illegal starship destroyed our glorious White House and ruined everyone's Fourth of July?

I firmly believe we should fear the possibility, nay the probability, that ISIS, the greatest threat to our republic, a third world terrorist force without even a semblance of anything resembling an air force, can reach the outer reaches of space and attack our great cities from the cosmos. Currently, we are not prepared to fend off this Intergalactic Axis of Evil and without further militarization of this empty ether known as space, we can never ensure peace.

I cannot think of a better use of our country's resources and focus. Millions without health care? Space Force! Flint's toxic water supply? Space Force! A rapidly crumbling infrastructure? But what about a Space Force? A growing number of homeless veterans? Dude, Space Force! All can wait; a greater threat is looming over us like a colossus. We must act swiftly and decisively, and I for one believe we should fear the unknown and the different, just as the Republican Party under Trump has highlighted.

I believe I am perfectly qualified to be a member of this new elite and probably fictional star command. In zero gravity, my flat feet won't be of any issue. Plus, I have nothing better to do, so why not?

Farewell, now. I am off to the recruiting center on the Trump Casino and Space Station. From there, I'm to be headed to our base on the Moon for basic training. I hope to be stationed on Saturn. I hear it has a great view.

May the Force be with you, or something odd like that,

- Matthew Mirro

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