He was a spectacle, a devastating force of beauty and horror and ugly all in one. Eyes like looking into an uncharted ocean cave, deep, eerie, intimidating, unnerving and captivating. The arousal of pursuit ignited something inside me till what was left was a minuscule pile of ash, my sanity. Carrying my heart on my sleeve was a cliché and undeserving saying inapplicable to him, I carried my soul on my sleeve in hopes that one day if I wore it enough, I would be enough. Enough to wash away the evil and demons that lay station in his mind.
Hope is petrifying, it is only an expectation and a desire for a chance to happen and the thing about chance is that when expecting the good, you must be prepared for the devastatingly bad. I was not prepared. My innocence was replaced with ignorance for the fact that as many times as he showed me the wrath of his malice, I made excuses and convinced myself that I could love clean the dirty. He was never absent an ample amount of time for me to forget his beauty amongst the corrupt. He would subconsciously offer some type of reason to stay captivated in the the alluring corruption. Whether it was a call, a touch, or simply a look into his disheartened gaze, I was enamored. I became a dotted line that he filled in with whatever sufficed his fleeting feelings. He walked into my life to taste me, to engulf me in his presence, only to take it away. My entire soul was gambled to please his own prurient curiosity.
So, I will continue to cling to music and writings that offer no sense of advice but offer relief that someone else understands. I have no advice to pass onto you but this, you cannot love away someone’s evil, that is something they must love away themselves.
Loving someone who does not love themselves is like swimming with cement blocks attached to your fragile flanges, until the weight has been removed, you will remain stationed, drowning in your own innocently confused ignorance. Remove the chains weighing you down, swim hard, and fight to breathe the unfamiliar air of relief.