This weekend I am moving back to Huntington University, to start my sophomore year of college. I'm looking forward to it, yes, but I can't help but have a lot of anxieties about going back. Honestly, my anxieties are getting bad to the point where I'm more nervous and scared to go back this year than I was my freshman year.
My freshman year I knew who my roommate was going to be. We met at the State Fair, and texted frequently while prepping for move in day. I had also received emails from both my RA and CMC, so I got to know a little bit about who they were before diving into all of college.
Now, at the end of last semester, I had quite a few friendships fall apart. I was told by someone, whom I considered one of my up-and-coming "best" friends, that they, and a few others, thought of me as "toxic". It really shattered me to hear that, but it goes into part of my anxiety about going back.
I'm going back with a reputation that I'm not even sure how I got. I'm going back with fewer connections and friends than I had at the beginning of my freshman year. I've set up the mentality that I am there this year to learn and not socialize; but that can be difficult for me to hold to when I do have those moments where I really want to be around others. Another part is that I'm also going back to a dorm room all to myself.
Now, honestly, I am ecstatic to have my own room. I get to rearrange the furniture how I want, decorate how I want, and not have to worry about sharing a space. But, I do still have some anxieties about this. Last year, a couple weeks into my second semester,my roommate dropped out. That left my with a room to myself. I became more of a recluse than I normally am, not being seen by my friends for weeks at a time, and only ever truly leaving my room for food and class. Sometimes, I would purposefully time the moments when I needed to leave the rooms so I wouldn't run into anyone. I really do not want that to happen again. It took its mental toll on me.
The last thing that is really raising my anxieties about going back is leaving people behind. last year I was so ready to move out, so ready to be "on my own". It was a new life, a new start. I didn't really have anything to necessarily lose by leaving. This year, some of my old friendships grew stronger over the summer, and my boyfriend and I will soon be long distance. I'm also more upset about leaving home this year, and part of that comes from the place of reluctance in me. Adulating is hard, I don't want to.
I'm sorry this article is a bit lengthy, but I find writing helps me organize my thoughts and can help relieve some of the stress and anxiety I feel. I'm still nervous about going back, but I know I have people who love me here and there at HU. I can make this a good year.