Throughout my life as a woman, I have been constantly pushed by peers and family to tell them about a crush, rate the cutest boy in class, and even date. With this social pressure, I ended up dating a boy in the seventh grade. It never felt right. I was never able to really be myself around him knowing that we were supposed to be in a romantic type relationship. On our first date, I actually hid from him! I never ate in front of him because I was so nervous.
I kept thinking to myself "you're so stupid! Just kiss him and get it over with, it's what your friends would do. Why can't you tell him that you love him back?" Little did I know that it was because I was never really attracted to him at all. I thought that that was just supposed to be how a relationship was. I hadn't learned otherwise.
During the summer after seventh grade, I started talking to a girl in my class about how I was so unsure about myself with boys. We both had the feeling we would never really be able to have a normal life that our parents had (or tried to have). I started feeling a sort of fluttering in my stomach when I talked to her. When I saw her name show up on my phone screen with an incoming text my heart would stop and I would get so excited! That was when we both realized we might not be like our parents.
We talked for weeks while I was away at my dad's house. We ended up entering a relationship without really saying anything. This was scary, amazing, but felt so, so right. However, I couldn't help but remember the signs that shown down the road in my town of Topeka, Kansas — the signs of the Westboro Baptist Church. I didn't know how any of my family felt about the LGBTQ community because it had never come up. I was scared because I wasn't like my parents.
I was one of the exceptionally lucky ones whose parents didn't have a negative opinion about it. Something I learned throughout the first few relationships is that they are just as dramatic as any other teenage relationship, except you don't know who you can turn to without judgement for your sexuality. Before telling my parents, I had had two relationships that didn't go very well at all and I had absolutely no outlet.
Dearest reader, if you are having these troubles please know that school counselors, teachers, and friends are there for you. The most important thing I have learned throughout this experience is that you can have a meaningful relationship no matter your sexuality. It may be hard because of the social pressures wanting you to follow their views, but nothing in life is better than living for yourself and another person you love. My wife and I have been together for almost six years, and we have had many nasty looks, hateful words, catcalling from gross men, and even extended family have turned away. Nothing is stronger than my love for my wife.
I never needed to be like my parents, but to be like myself — just how I am.
