In the words of the great philosopher, Eddie Van Halen, “I've got it bad, so bad, and I'm willing to jeopardize any legal and academic ramifications for both you and I if you would be my personal pencil sharpener… Hot for my teacher."

Now, this isn't high school anymore, so your college professor probably won't end up in jail if it's found that she's been using your #2 Ticonderoga pencil to teach a physics lesson about how there would be greater force if you would either just increase your mass or pick up the damn acceleration already. However, most college professors probably have some sort of moral ethics and standard decency, so you're going to have to be a smooth little teacher's pet if you want to give Pi Day a whole new meaning. Take heed to the following advice and tread carefully on this path of sexual promiscuity you young horny grasshopper, you.

Step 1: Sit Near the Front of Lecture

If you're like most normal college students, you avoid the front of the lecture hall as if it's occupied by a bunch of loony anti-vaxxers and you're afraid of coming down with a case of an education. Although, most college students also aren't part of their professor's daily ass-ignments, so make your rather average looking face familiar to the professor, and try not to blend in with the rest of the back row sitting, non-teacher banging peasants.

Step 2: Participate in Lectures

So now that you've completely ostracized yourself from any social interaction with any of your peers, it's time for the teacher to get to know you on a first name basis. After all, how else will your professor know whose name to scream later?

Unfortunately, this will require some in class participation on your part, which means answering the occasional non-rhetorical, bs question that he or she presents to the entire class. Now usually in this situation, the professor's question is followed by the most awkward 30-45 seconds of every single student suddenly acting like they sniffed too many dry erase markers growing up, and the deafening silence will continue until some poor soul finally accommodates. Seriously, the question could be “what is 2+2?" and the entire class would be more silent than a goddamn mime's funeral. C'mon guys, at our age, we were lucky enough to escape the insanity that is common core math, so two plus two still equals freaking four. So be a good little teacher's pet, raise your hand and answer their trivial question, and maybe they'll give you a nice favor. Or better yet, extra credit.

Step 3: Send Sexual Subliminal Messages

Congratulations, your professor now knows who you are and because of your enthusiastic participation, they will think you're the next Stephen Hawking or something, but with a functioning body! All that's left to do is to make them realize that they want to make geometric anomalies with your body that not even Pythagorean's theorem could possibly solve.

Now of course, you can't just be straight forward in this situation, unless of course your professor teaches a human sexuality class, in which case, banging your teacher is probably encouraged if not downright just a homework assignment. If that's not the situation you find yourself in, you'll have to be a little more subtle.

Perhaps when you walk in to class, grab the bottle of hand sanitizer from their desk and just start rubbing it all over your body, especially focusing on those risque areas. When they ask you what you're doing, just casually say you're a dirty boy and give them a wink. Or maybe when you come to class, drink your coffee out of your “World's Largest Penis" mug.

Don't be afraid to be creative and use the professor's class subject to your advantage. Does your professor teach a Christianity class? Come to lecture wearing nothing but a strategically placed leaf, place an apple on their desk, and tell them God totally thinks they won't eat your forbidden fruit. Or better yet, come dressed as Noah, and assure your professor that the only flood they'll be feeling is….well you get the drift. Hell, come as Moses if you're feeling particularly adventurous.

Step 4: Make Your Childhood Fantasy Come True

If you've made it this far without being expelled, or at the very least told to put some pants on, then your journey is nearly complete. This is the moment you've been waiting for since you realized your fifth grade teacher had the cool kind of cooties that your female classmates had yet to get, so don't screw it up. So play your cards right, and the only curve you'll have to worry about in that class is the curve of dat ass, amirite?!