I had the "extraordinary chance to have a closer look at the United States" for the past few days.
Those were my dad's choice words to describe a miserable agonizing car trip I had to take. I spent the holidays with him and it was time to begin the trek back to my college apartment. To give you some perspective, the past three days I have driven alone for 1,113 miles, 17.5 hours, through 9 states, and 5 major cities.
Trying to look on the bright side, I decided that this car trip would be a great opportunity for me to be productive and brainstorm article ideas, plan out the upcoming semester, etc.
Little did I know that within the confines of my Kia Rondo, I would slowly begin to lose my mind. Productivity wasn’t an option.
These are the things I did instead:
1. Reward Myself with Quality Music
And by that I mean:
Every hour, on the hour, I listened to "Life is a Highway" by Rascal Flatts, or from the movie "Cars". Whichever reference you prefer.
It was my personal reminder that driving should be fun and I should want to "ride it all night long". Big surprise, it didn't work. Hour ten, I wanted to die. So I changed my tactics.
"Highway to Hell" would have been more appropriate.
2. Let the Music Take Me Somewhere Else
This time, not the music from a Pixar Film. I have a playlist literally called: F Boys. It's nothing but songs from empowering women who hate me just as much as I do.
During this playlist, I imagine myself alone on stage in a bar. Just me, a microphone, and a guitar. (I can play guitar in this fantasy)
During my set, my ex-boyfriend walks in. So I sing all of these songs directly to him. I sound great, look great, I'm super talented, and its a great evening for me. In this fantasy my ex-boyfriend is also crying because he finally sees how much of a catch I am. This kept me entertained for about two hours.
3. When Music Fails, Move to the Movies
No, I did not watch any movies while I was driving. Calm down. Instead, I was in a movie. Let me explain my insanity further:
For about an hour, I was not in my car. I was in the biology lab in "Twilight".
I casted myself as both Edward and Bella, arguing with myself about the type of cell I was looking at in a microscope.
"Metaphase."
"Mind if I check?" "It's Metaphase."
"Like I said..."
During this time, I made eye contact with a truck driver. I saw the terror in his eyes, and through that, saw my own reflection. I was ashamed of what I was becoming and decided to stop.
4. Change Myself for the Better
I was reflecting on my life choices during my time in my Kia prison. I have been a vegetarian for more three years now and I had decided that I should try to be a full blown vegan. For the next hour, I planned my grocery list, thought about meals, fantasized about my amazing skin and body in the future.
The next hour I got a milkshake and a personal pizza from Pizza Hut Express.
5. Solve a Murder
Or just listen to a Murder Podcast. I highly recommend listening to "Serial". I don't think I would have made it to Virginia alive without it. Pun intended.
I wouldn't recommend it, however, if you're anything like me and become ultra paranoid when listening to stories like that. This is my public apology to the stranger in an Indiana gas station who tried to tell me I dropped my debit card. I am sorry for only rolling down my window 1/8 of an inch and telling you to slip it through the crack. At the time, I was convinced this was your tactic to get me into the trunk of your car. I know better now. I'm sorry.
6. Eat Goldfish
I have nothing witty to say about this. I just needed to include it because my hand was in a bag of goldfish more than on the steering wheel. Not a joke.
7. Eat, Drink, Be Meryl
Luckily, I had both the Mamma Mia movie soundtrack as well as Into the Woods. It was a Merylpalooza for two whole hours. I've never been happier.
I was the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen.
8. Self Diagnose
In the middle of rural Pennsylvania, I felt a shooting pain in my left palm. I couldn't tell if I was having a heart attack (from consuming a gallon of goldfish?) or if I just had a hand cramp.
Either way, I kept driving. Best case scenario, a medical helicopter could fly me the rest of the way home.
It was just a hand cramp.
9. Master a New Skill
For those of you who are attempting to learn for yourself, "One More Time" is the best song to use as a reference.
I sang the ingenious lyric "Oh baby, baby." to myself at least 800 times until Britney and I were indistinguishable.
I then looked into the rear view mirror and came to the realization that it is impossible for me to sing like Britney and not look like a stroke victim.
My new skill was no longer useful.
10. Compose
For the last hour, I wrote a song. Although, I can't take credit for the lyrics because I didn't write them. Actually, James Madison did.
That's right. I wrote a song for the preamble of the Constitution. It's called "We the People". It's a Pop/Rock song. It accompanied me as I crossed the Virginia Border.
My dad was right. I did get a closer look at America.
All horror stories must come to an end. I am happy to report that I am safely back on my couch in my apartment. My Kia is parked in front of my building and I refuse to drive her ever again. Or at least until tomorrow morning. I have no food in my refrigerator.
It will be a long process to become sane again. It will take a few boxes of wine and maybe a few hours of therapy. But this drive has made me a stronger person. I am brave enough to accomplish anything.
That's it for now.
God Bless America.
