"I can't do this anymore!" comes out of my mouth more than it should. It has become a fixture in my life, especially when I got to college.
Every time I would study or complete a project, I always find myself saying the same things over and over again. It could be "I am so dumb!" or "Why can't I be smart?" I would get discouraged so easily, which then leads me to depreciate myself to the point that I become so unmotivated and hopeless. It never made sense to me as to why I have been so hard on myself, but now I realize why exactly.
Throughout middle school and high school, I was considered smart. I brought home good grades. Back then, school came easy for me because I hardly did work. I was doing the bare minimum, but still getting high scores on almost everything that I would do.
High school was stressful at times. There were times when academics would stress me out, except the stress did not consume so much as it does now. I was able to get back up from those rare occasions of being burnt out. Everything flowed easily for me. I had the time to relax and have such a manageable life and yet I complained about how hard things were. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self not to take any of it for granted because college is a whole other level of difficulty.
As I move closer to graduating from college, it only feels so much farther. Being in my major classes, I have never felt so overwhelmed before. It is almost as if I have no time to breathe because I do not run out of things to do. There is always something. The consistent demanding nature of college has caused me to reevaluate myself and my worth.
I feel like I am not doing enough to reach my goals, but at the same time I know I am doing everything and anything that I can.
The worst feeling ever is knowing you are trying your best, but your best is nowhere near good enough. With that, you feel worthless. You start to lose some hope and stop believing in yourself.
Often times, I ask myself, "Will I ever meet any of the expectations that have been set for me to prove myself?"
That's the thing. We beat ourselves up over our shortcomings and failures because we were accustomed to easily making everyone around us proud as well as going above and beyond what they expected from us.