Small talk can be a comforting ritual. It’s an easy-to-follow roadmap for initiating an eventually meaningful conversation. Unfortunately, we often fail to move past the beginning steps of that conversational evolution, meaning we’ve all talked about the weather and how we’re doing “fine” way more than anyone actually wants to.
The boldest way to avoid the quagmire of meaningless small talk is to dare your companion to confide in you. Ask them when they last cried in public (and why), what makes something art, or what they think love is like. You can mix the mundane—How do you feel about Jell-o? Cilantro or Sinatra?—with the profound: What evidence have you seen for a higher power? If you could be the emperor of any previous civilization/empire, which one would you pick? Why were you born?
If you balk at the intensity of questions like those, there are still ways to work within the structure of small talk to foster genuine connection. After you ask someone where they’re from, ask what they like about their hometown. Change “What did you do this weekend? into “What was the best part of your weekend?” If they tell you your major or occupation, ask why they picked it. Instead of “How was your summer?” try “What are you looking forward to right now?” and instead of “How was work/school/training/practice?” choose “What did you learn today?”
“How are you?” presents more problems than all of the other small talk hallmarks combined. Those quick three syllables—so easily used and, frankly, abused—allow people to inquire without caring and to answer without being honest. It requires more effort on behalf of both parties, but if the asker can clarify what they actually want to know, the recipient will not be able to respond automatically. If “How are you?” is actually code for “How are you feeling after learning that your grandmother passed away?” or “Why do you look as though someone just gave you a chocolate ice cream cone and puppy?” then say it! Or, ask in a way that forces the person to reflect: “Tell me about your day in three parts—something funny that happened, something that made you happy, and something that frustrated you.”
After you transition into the realm of engaged conversation, you can edge toward the ringers (“Do people have souls?”) with some intermediary topics: What is your favorite sound? What super power would you pick and (this is important) what super power do you already have? Why did you get out of bed this morning? When was the last time you pulled an all-nighter and why? What do you think of the term “feminist”? If you could be a kitchen appliance, which one would you be?
In one of my favorite disorienting but thought-provoking conversations, a friend grabbed my empty to-go hot chocolate cup and said, “This is a metaphor for your life. Explain.”
This approach is not passive, but its rewards are rich. Comment with any questions you like to ask when you really want to get to know someone.
