We’re only human. We fumble. We bumble. We’re never quite sure what we’re doing. It’s the plain truth. Happens everyday!

You think you’re studying calculus to pass the AP exam, but really you’re putting yourself through a slow painful descent into hell. Or you think you’re paying for a cute, new (and CHEAP!!) dress, but really you’re supporting child labor in sweatshops across the world! OR You think you matched with a uber cutie on Tinder, but what do you know “Robbie” is actually a 40 year-old pedophile!!!! Ah, good times. GOOD TIMES.

Face it: we humans are completely clueless creatures. Sure sure, we conquered the entire animal kingdom. Along the way, we managed to cause anything in the way of our skyscrapers and McDonald’s empires to go extinct (bye bye tecopa pupfish and dodo Bird, we bid thee farewell!). We’re getting pretty good at melting the ice caps; we truly are experts at destruction, aren’t we? We’ve had fun waging war against one another for most of history. (Yay blood and gore- and dehumanization is the cherry on top!!!) But wait, don’t forget “iPhone dearest” and the hottest babes of all time: nuclear weapons.

What am I playing at with my gross and not-at-all-well-executed satire?? Well, I just think humans are hilarious- especially in situations in which they are completely at a loss about what to do. Come on, you know those moments when something uncomfortable happens and you kind of try to look around inconspicuously to see what everyone else is doing, and then you copy those people and hope no one will question you. Those moments are pure gold! In case you are incredulous or clueless about what I’m talking about… here are some prime examples.

1. When someone falls in public:

You’re walking along minding your own business and out of the corner of your eye you see a tangle of arms and legs go flying. Then comes the thud. You can’t help but look over. Maybe you gasp in surprise. Maybe you have to stifle a giggle. But then comes the moment when you’re like “Oh shit I’m like two feet away from this person who just totally ate it (cue that stifled giggle), do I like check to see if they’re okay and try to help them up??” You kind of look around to see what everyone else is doing, and then you realize nope no one else is gonna help, so you won’t either. Then that poor person scrambles to get up, all red-faced, and practically runs away, and you’re like “Phew! I can go on with my life!” (Ugh, but the worst is when the person just kind of lays there and you have no choice but to flee the crime scene because god knows you’re not about to help them up- you ain’t about that life.)

2. When someone tries to hand you a flyer:

This is some real scary shit. Again you’re just walking along minding your own damn business and this person with a deathly sheet of paper approaches. They’ve chosen you as the victim. You avoid eye contact and pray that person would just evaporate, but they’re closing in… You look around with pleading eyes at those around you, “HELP ME” you silently scream, but they avoid eye contact and walk faster than one would think humanly possible. You try to do the same, but IT’S TOO LATE. The predator thrusts the slip of paper at you and you just kind of shake your head and leap away. Yeah, those of you who walk down Bruin Walk know exactly what I’m talking about.

3. When the teacher asks the class a question no one knows the answer to:

This is the origin of the perfectly-executed blank stare. You can’t look the teacher in the eye because that makes it look like you know the answer. You can’t look down because the teacher might think that means you don’t know the answer, so he/she will definitely call on you just to humiliate you. So you (along with the rest of the class) act completely catatonic and hope for the best.

4. When that person who always farts in class, farts again:

Oh, this is a real fun one. PFFT! and the odor slinks around the room like some demon sent from the fiery pits of hell. Never have you felt so helpless. There’s no escape. For one, you feel as if you are going to asphyxiate from the toxic waste. But even worse, how do you act like nothing happened?? Some look down. Some look out the window. Some glance around at each other and shout with their eyes “IT WASN’T ME, I SWEAR!” It’s quite the sticky (or should I say stinky??) situation.

5. When you can’t understand what someone is saying:

This always feel as if I’m on death’s doorstep- some serious cataclysmic shit. You don’t know this person well, but you’re trying to seem as normal as possible, and so far it’s going great!! You’re having this very interesting conversation or whatever, and then disaster strikes. The person utters something unintelligible. Oh no. You say, “What?” They say it again, but you’re still like, “Wtf???” So then you say, “Uh wait what?” They say it again- in the same exact way, and they’re looking at you like you’re stupid. Panic sets in. So you do a random mix of a nod, a head shake, a shrug, and vocalize something like a hybrid of a laugh and “Mhmm.” And what do you know, that person never talks to you again!

6. When someone is hating on something you love:

You’re with a new little groupie. As the conversation speeds by, you manage to offer little hiccups of input here and there. It’s not so bad. And then, the worst thing you’ve ever heard echoes out into the void: “Harry Potter is kind of dumb.” You nearly fall over in shock. You cough a “WHAT” and every one looks at you. You look around hoping someone with stand in rebellion with you, stand up for what is right!!! But no… you’re alone in this one. “Uh yeah, I totally agree.” You mumble, and they’re appeased. BUT you’ve just betrayed everything you believe in. Your integrity has been compromised. You should just combust. There’s no hope for you now... You should just run out the door of existence.

7. When that awkward person with the weird haircut is staring at you again:

This one smacks you right in the conscience. You’re like: “Does this person have a crush on me?” “Should I be flattered?” “Should I just avoid them at all costs to make sure they get the idea that I’M NOT INTERESTED?” "Or maybe it's all in my head???" All these questions go unanswered; You're stuck. So, you just avoid eye contact at all costs. LITERALLY ALL COSTS.

8. When a blind person is struggling:

I've saved the absolute worst for last. This adorable little blind person is walking straight towards a wall and you're like "WTF DO I DO?" I mean sure they have the stick to guide them. It's not like he or she is about to fly off a cliff. BUT STILL. The agony! And the worst part is he or she can't see you. You might think that eases the tension, but no! The guilt sky-rockets. You look around at your fellow clueless and utterly useless fellow sight-seers and you realize you are terrible people. (But also don't you ever worry that they can actually see and are just pulling your leg??)

GET A CLUE:

At the end of the day, humans suck. We never seem to do the right thing, do we?? And my goodness are we awkward. But hey, we're not all that bad.... right?? I mean we have created things along the likes of Penicillin and Harry Potter. Some real good shit right there. Once we get a clue about what the words "lending a helping hand" means we'll be set. For now, let us unite in our awkwardness and avoid confrontation, eye contact, and any form of public humiliation at ALL COSTS.