For my birthday this past July, a friend of mine gave me a book titled “The Four Agreements.” When I first opened it, I was curious as to why she was giving me a book that looked like an assigned novel for a philosophy class, but she told me it changed her life, so that night I began to read it. The next thing I knew, it was 2 a.m., I was on to the third agreement, and forcing myself to go to bed, since I had work in four hours. I was only halfway through the book and I understood why she said the book had changed her life: it was simple, yet made so much sense. It explained why people are they way they are and how to live a happier life. Unfortunately, I forgot the book at home when I moved back up to school, but I have taken what I learned in the first half of the book and created my own “formula” for how to live a happier life.
1. Realize that the actions of others are caused by their own personal trials and tribulations.
In "The Four Agreements," Miguel Ruiz says, “Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds … Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators, the black magicians. They can hook you easily with one little opinion and feed you whatever poison they want, and because you take it personally, you eat it up.” This really opened my eyes to why people do what they do. I am constantly asking myself how people can be so mean, or how they can say such hurtful words to someone, but after reading this I realized that when people do mean things, or say horrible things to others, they are trying to get rid of the “poison” they are stuck with. When you begin to realize this and remind yourself this, it is easier to not take hurtful comments to heart because you know they are not because of you. Rather, they are because someone else is suffering and wants to put that burden on someone else, so that it does not weigh as heavily on them.
2. See your mistakes as lessons learned and nothing more than that.
It is so easy for us to beat ourselves up when we make a mistake and dwell on it. The truth is: we have all made mistakes and we will continue to make mistakes for the rest of our lives. Dwelling on these mistakes and questioning why we made them and putting ourselves down because of them only wastes time and causes self-deprivation. Instead of doing this, you should simply accept that you made a mistake and use it as a lesson learned when a similar situation presents itself in the future. By doing this, you will no longer waste time worrying about something that cannot be changed, and be able to move on with your life as a more positive person. This is not as easy as it sounds, but if you start by trying with things like a bad grade on an exam or making a mistake at work, you will be able to do it when a bigger mistake or more difficult situation presents itself.
3. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind and clarify your opinions.
This idea was inspired by Ruiz’s Third Agreement, “Don’t make assumptions.” He says, “If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions.” In my 20 years of life, I have realized that assumptions and miscommunications are the root of almost all arguments. In this day in age, we have so many platforms where we can express our opinions to huge audiences, and I think that is great. Forming opinions, sharing them, and questioning not only others’ but also our own is how we find ourselves and form a sense of who we are and what we are meant to do with our lives, but because of these platforms being mainly on the internet or expressed in written form, miscommunications are inevitable. In order to be able to live a happy life and also a life of purpose, it is very important to not let ourselves make assumptions or give up on clarifying our opinions, because it is the opinions we have that shape the views others have on us and the relationships we have with them. By opening our minds to new ideas and clarifying those ideas that we do not feel we understand correctly, we are able to form healthy relationships with others as well as ourselves, which will ultimately bring us closer to happiness.
These three ideas are very simple, but can be applied to everyday life. After I started using these three ideas in my everyday life, I noticed that I was no longer dwelling on the little things and was able to focus my energy on the things and people that really matter to me. I don’t feel like an entirely new person, by any means, but I do feel like a better version of myself. I encourage you to take these ideas and create your own plan, or make your own set of agreements and promises to yourself that help you find your own personal formula for happiness.
